IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Athough some people feel children should be made to leave their parents at a certain age, others believe they do not need to. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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Many think that children should leave their
families
Use synonyms
 and homes at a certain age,
while
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 others think
opposite
Correct article usage
the opposite
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. I agree with the first view because some teenagers can leave their
families
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 in order to get
better
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a better
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 education and find
fulfilling
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a fulfilling
show examples
 job.
To begin
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 with, the notable reasons to leave their households are educational and economic purposes.
That is
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 because
,
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apply
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 geographic reasons can hinder to make successful academic and business
life
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.
For instance
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, in Asia, there are few universities which have international
diploma
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diplomas
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,
therefore
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, students want to create their
life
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 in Europe, because of the high quality of
education
Correct article usage
the education
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 system. In terms of business
life
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, they
have
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do have
show examples
 not a wide range of opportunities to invest
fund
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funds
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to
Change preposition
in
show examples
 any field in Asian countries as
an
Correct your spelling
in
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 Europe.
On the other hand
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, some children can make their
life
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 with their parents. It can depend on their
criterias
Correct your spelling
criteria
such
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 as
stong
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strong
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 bonds with
families
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 and financial and cultural factors.
For example
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, it is common for children to live with
parents
Correct pronoun usage
their parents
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 until marriage or financial stability is achieved. Without
adapt
Wrong verb form
adapting
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 to
real
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the real
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 world, they can likely suffer from
Add an article
the economical
an economical
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economical
Replace the word
economic
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burden
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burdens
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 which often
happen
Change the verb form
happens
show examples
 in poor
families
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.
In
Change preposition
At
show examples
 Cambridge University, one report illustrates that most people
live
Correct your spelling
leave
show examples
 their
families
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due to
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 financial issues, thereby living with
families
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 can
faciliate
Correct your spelling
facilitate
 the adaptation process. In conclusion,
while
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 living with
household
Fix the agreement mistake
households
show examples
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 certain facilities
such
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 as financial
aids
Fix the agreement mistake
aid
show examples
, living with
families
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 at a certain age can give them more
Correct your spelling
beneficial
beneficially
beneficiall
Correct your spelling
beneficial
 opportunities like studying at
international
Correct article usage
an international
show examples
 university and more acceptable business purposes

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task achievement
The introduction could be clearer about the two viewpoints being discussed. Make sure to outline the argument of both sides more distinctly.
coherence and cohesion
In your body paragraphs, try to make sure each main point is clearly distinguished and fully developed. This will improve clarity and depth.
coherence and cohesion
Incorporating more structured transitions between your ideas will help with coherence, ensuring your arguments flow logically from one to another.
task achievement
Ensure that your conclusion succinctly summarizes the main differences between the views discussed, while reiterating your own position more explicitly.
task achievement
Your essay presents a clear preference for one side of the argument, which is good for showing personal opinion.
task achievement
You provided relevant examples to support your arguments, which enhances the persuasiveness of your points.
task achievement
Your ideas address the topic and demonstrate an understanding of the complexities involved in the discussion.
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