IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 2.5

Tourism is an important industry in many countries What benefits do you think tourism brings to individuals and society?

As medical care continues to improve, the elderly population is increasing, creating new challenges for society. In my opinion, society will be able to cope with the increase in
Correct article usage
the numbers
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numbers
Fix the agreement mistake
number
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 of elderly
people
Use synonyms
. One of the main aspects of the problem is that
government
Use synonyms
 must provide retired
people
Use synonyms
 with pensions. One of the main reasons behind
that is
Linking Words
 more elderly
people
Use synonyms
 mean higher pensions and social security costs.
This
Linking Words
 could lead to
reduced
Add an article
a reduced
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 budget, which can be
result
Add an article
the result
a result
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 of
inflexibility
Correct article usage
the inflexibility
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 of
Use synonyms
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 because more and more money will go towards
sustenance
Add an article
the sustenance
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 of pensioners.
Moreover
Linking Words
, older
people
Use synonyms
 require more medical attention, leading to overcrowded hospitals and higher healthcare costs. To tackle
this
Linking Words
 problem
government
Use synonyms
 should improve
healthcare
Add an article
the healthcare
show examples
 system and strengthen
pension
Fix the agreement mistake
pensions
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.
This
Linking Words
 may be the easiest and so the best way to reform
pension
Add an article
the pension
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 system to ensure financial stability.
Furthermore
Linking Words
,
government
Use synonyms
 and individual entrepreneurs should invest more money in better medical facilities, home care services and specialised hospitals for elderly
people
Use synonyms
. In conclusion, society has to procure safety for older individuals
due to
Linking Words
 developed medical conditions, which can be only tackled by reforms in pension schemes and investment in healthcare.

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task achievement
Consider elaborating on the specific benefits that a growing elderly population can bring to society, such as their contributions to the community or volunteer work.
coherence and cohesion
Try to use more varied linking words and phrases to create smoother transitions between your ideas to enhance coherence.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples or statistics related to the pension and healthcare impacts to strengthen your arguments and make them more compelling.
structure
You have structured your essay with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which is essential for coherence.
task achievement
You addressed the topic well and provided some relevant points about the challenges posed by an increasing elderly population.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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