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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

the graph below give information about the percentage of the population in four asian country between 1990 to 2020

the graph below give information about the percentage of the population in four asian country between 1990 to 2020
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The line graph illustrates the proportion
population
Use synonyms
 of four different cities in Asia between 1970
until
Correct word choice
and
show examples
 2020.
Overall
Linking Words
,
Correct article usage
the Philippine
show examples
Philippine
Correct your spelling
Philippines
show examples
 and Malaysia started above 30%, The first experienced an upward trend the whole period
while
Linking Words
 the other
city
Fix the agreement mistake
cities
show examples
 witnessed a
slightly
Change the adverb
slight
show examples
increase
Use synonyms
.
Moreover
Linking Words
, Thailand and Indonesia
begun
Add the auxiliary verb
began
have begun
show examples
 below 20% both had
been
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
increased until
present
Add an article
the present
show examples
. In1970, Philippines city started steadily till 1980 it goes up to 50%
then
Linking Words
 it decreased to 32%. In 2020, the
population
Use synonyms
 continues to grow till present.
Linking Words
While the
Correct word choice
The
show examples
 number of people in Malaysia
had
Wrong verb form
has
show examples
significant
Replace the word
significantly increased
show examples
increase
Use synonyms
 until
present
Correct article usage
the present
show examples
 and
reach
Wrong verb form
reached
show examples
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 peak
around
Change preposition
of around
show examples
 80%. Thailand
begun
Add the auxiliary verb
began
show examples
 with
gradual
Correct article usage
a gradual
show examples
increase
Use synonyms
 till 1990
.after
Correct your spelling
After
 that, it levelled off in 2020
then
Linking Words
 it continued to
increase
Use synonyms
 and reached 40% of the
population
Use synonyms
.
Last
Linking Words
, the percentage of
Indonesia
Change noun form
Indonesia's
show examples
population
Use synonyms
 in the first two years was
near
Change the word
nearly
show examples
 15%
then
Linking Words
 it rose to 20%.It
is appear
Change the verb form
appears
show examples
 from the graph that from 2000 till present the
population
Use synonyms
 has been
raise
Change the verb form
raising
raised
show examples
 to 60%.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words population, increase with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "graph" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "present" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increase" was used 5 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "reach" was used 2 times.
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