IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

19 .As the world has become technological advance, computer are replacing more and more jobs that maybe lose because of computer. Discuss at lear one problem that may result.

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With
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
technology
become
Wrong verb form
becoming
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 more
advance
Correct word choice
advanced
show examples
,
Use synonyms
computer
Fix the agreement mistake
computers
show examples
 as
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 product of it are replacing more and more
jobs
Use synonyms
 that
maybe
Correct your spelling
may be
show examples
lose
Wrong verb form
lost
show examples
 because of
Use synonyms
computer
Fix the agreement mistake
computers
show examples
. In my perspective,
while
Linking Words
 some
jobs
Use synonyms
 would be replaced by modern technologies, it would not replace all the
jobs
Use synonyms
 in
this
Linking Words
 world.
People
Use synonyms
 with unique and creative
expertises
Correct your spelling
expertise
show examples
 would survive on
this
Linking Words
 issue. On the one hand, as
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
techonology
Correct your spelling
technology
 keeps growing,
people
Use synonyms
 should adapt
with
Change preposition
to
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that
Correct determiner usage
those
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 changes, which especially
relate
Correct subject-verb agreement
relates
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 to their job
opportunity
Fix the agreement mistake
opportunities
show examples
.
Use synonyms
Computer
Add an article
The computer
A computer
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 is the result of technological
advance
Fix the agreement mistake
advances
show examples
 which
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
 substituted several
jobs
Use synonyms
.
For instance
Linking Words
, nowadays, a shopping store does not necessitate a cashier to check
items
Change the noun form
item
show examples
 prices from visitors. It
use
Change the verb form
uses
show examples
 a scanning barcode
that is
Linking Words
 connected
on
Change preposition
to
show examples
Use synonyms
computer
Add an article
the computer
a computer
show examples
 to calculate
total
Add an article
the total
a total
show examples
 of visitors' orders.
Consequently
Linking Words
, the
people
Use synonyms
 who have worked as
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
cashier
Fix the agreement mistake
cashiers
show examples
 would be lose their
job
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
show examples
 and replaced by that machine.
However
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 who have unique
expertises
Correct your spelling
expertise
show examples
 would survive and adapt
with
Change preposition
to
show examples
 every
distruption
Correct your spelling
disruption
disruptions
 that
come
Correct subject-verb agreement
comes
show examples
 from technological globalization.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, there are some professions that would still exist amidst
technological's
Change noun form
technological
show examples
 force.
For example
Linking Words
, a dentist is one of
Add an article
a profession
the profession
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profession
Fix the agreement mistake
professions
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 that could tackle that issue.
Use synonyms
Computer
Fix the agreement mistake
Computers
show examples
could not
Wrong verb form
cannot
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 replace a dentist because
this
Linking Words
 job
require
Change the verb form
requires
show examples
 communication
to
Change preposition
with
show examples
 patients and
check
Wrong verb form
checking
show examples
 their teeth in real life. Technology has not had the feeling and tangible interactions that could make patients better.
Moreover
Linking Words
, a dentist could
adress
Correct your spelling
address
 some actions inside patients'
mouth
Fix the agreement mistake
mouths
show examples
 with his technique which
Use synonyms
computer
Correct article usage
the computer
show examples
 could not fix
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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. In conclusion, to my way of thinking,
although
Linking Words
 some
jobs
Use synonyms
 could be substituted by modern technologies,
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 would not replace all the
jobs
Use synonyms
.
People
Use synonyms
 with unique and creative
expertises
Correct your spelling
expertise
show examples
 would be the
last
Linking Words
 standing man to handle
this
Linking Words
 issue.

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task achievement
Clarify your introduction to directly address the problem resulting from job loss due to technology. This would help in providing a clearer focus for your essay.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that your ideas flow logically; using more cohesive devices (such as linking phrases) can enhance the overall readability of your essay.
task achievement
Try to provide more specific examples or data to support your points, especially when asserting that some professions will endure despite technological advances.
task achievement
Your understanding of the topic and your stance are clear from the beginning of the essay.
coherence cohesion
You offer a balanced view by addressing both sides of the argument, which demonstrates critical thinking.

Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

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