IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Many people believe that family has the strongest influence on a child’s development, while others believe that external factors such as television, friends and music play a big role. Discuss both views

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Folks nowadays consider that the family plays an important role in the
overall
Linking Words
 growth and
development
Use synonyms
 of a
child
Use synonyms
however
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 opponents think that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
other factors
such
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 as music,
friends
Use synonyms
 and
television
Use synonyms
 are more crucial in their life. In the upcoming
paragraphs
Add a comma
paragraphs,
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 I would like to shed light on both
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
view points
Correct your spelling
viewpoints
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. Family is considered to be the most important part of
Use synonyms
child's
Correct article usage
a child's
show examples
 life as the
child
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spend
Correct subject-verb agreement
spends
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 most of his time with his family
since
Change preposition
from
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his
Change the word
an
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 early
age
Use synonyms
.
Use synonyms
Child
Add an article
The child
A child
show examples
 learns from his home. The actions and habits acquired by the family members are inherited in the
child
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. As he
do
Change the verb form
does
show examples
 whatever he sees.
For example
Linking Words
, if
their
Replace the word
there
show examples
 is violence and
abusive
Replace the word
abuse
show examples
 at home or between the parents, the
child
Use synonyms
 learns the same things from his childhood and
then
Linking Words
repeat
Correct subject-verb agreement
repeats
show examples
 the same things when he
become
Change the verb form
becomes
show examples
adult
Correct article usage
an adult
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. The action always comes from when
they
Correct your spelling
the
show examples
child
Use synonyms
 sees, what is happening around him. He will surely try to imitate and
as a result
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,
leads
Correct subject-verb agreement
lead
show examples
 to
stressful
Add an article
a stressful
show examples
 life. Sometimes, after seeing the fighting and beating at home,
they
Correct your spelling
the
show examples
child
Use synonyms
 becomes fearful that he did not even
become
Verb problem
come
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 to face the world.
Another
Correct quantifier usage
Other
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 factors
such
Linking Words
 as
television
Use synonyms
 ,
friends
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 and music as well
has
Change the verb form
have
show examples
huge
Add an article
a huge
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 impact on the
child
Use synonyms
's
overall
Linking Words
 personality
development
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. As parents are nowadays
workholic
Correct your spelling
workaholic
, they leave their
child
Use synonyms
 with
television
Use synonyms
, mobile or ask them to play out. They watch, listen and see, and
then
Linking Words
 act upon the things. The childhood
age
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 is not the
age
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 to understand and
then
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 react. In
this
Linking Words
age
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,
their
Replace the word
there
show examples
 is only
reaction
Correct pronoun usage
one reaction
show examples
.
For example
Linking Words
, if the
child
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 has
friends
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 who are drug
addict
Fix the agreement mistake
addicts
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,
its
Replace the word
it's
it is
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 obvious that
Use synonyms
child
Correct article usage
the child
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 will
also
Linking Words
 become addicted to it
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 because
company
Correct article usage
the company
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effects
Replace the word
affects
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 the nature and habits of the
child
Use synonyms
.
Similarly
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, in
previous
Add an article
a previous
the previous
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 era, there was not much invention of
television
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 and mobile so the children used to play with
friends
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 and were unaware of the nudity, but in
this
Linking Words
 era, they watch and play with mobile
phone
Fix the agreement mistake
phones
show examples
whch
Correct your spelling
which
 impacts their visualization and thinking power. They think what they see and hear. In
conculsion
Correct your spelling
conclusion
, I would say that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 both the family and external factors play an imperative role in
Use synonyms
child's
Correct article usage
a child's
show examples
development
Use synonyms
. If parents
will
Verb problem
apply
show examples
give their
Use synonyms
child
Fix the agreement mistake
children
show examples
 the proper time, and keep an eye on what they watch on
televesion
Correct your spelling
television
 or mobile and with whom they play, their
overall
Linking Words
development
Use synonyms
 of
Use synonyms
child
Fix the agreement mistake
children
show examples
 will not suffer.

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task achievement
Improve clarity and specificity in your arguments to strengthen your points further. For instance, explain how the influences mentioned can lead to particular outcomes in a child's development. This would enhance the depth of your discussion.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure to use appropriate punctuation and grammar throughout your essay. For example, 'their' is incorrect and should be 'there.' Attention to these details can greatly improve readability and impression.
coherence and cohesion
Work on the organization of ideas within paragraphs. Each paragraph should ideally focus on one main idea, supported by examples. This can help enhance coherence and make the argument more persuasive.
task achievement
The introduction effectively presents both sides of the argument, setting the stage for discussion.
task achievement
You used relevant examples to support your argument about influences on children's behavior, such as parental habits and peer influence, which adds credibility to your points.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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