Some people believe that family is crucial in developement of children, some other say that external factors such as television, mobile and friends play important role. Discuss both views

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Folks nowadays consider that the family plays an important role in the
overall
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growth and advancement of a juvenile
however
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opponents think that other factors
such
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as music,
friends
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and TV set are more crucial in their life. In the upcoming paragraphs, I would like to shed light on both viewpoints. Family is considered to be the most important part of a
child
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's life as the kid spends most of his time with his family from an early youth. The
child
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learns from his home. The actions and habits acquired by the family members are inherited in the offspring. As he does whatever he sees.
For example
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, if there is violence and abuse at home or between the parents, the youngster learns the same things from his childhood and
then
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repeats the same things when he becomes an adult. The action always comes from when the kid sees, what is happening around him. He will surely try to imitate and
as a result
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, lead to a stressful life. Sometimes, after seeing the fighting and beating at home, the
child
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becomes fearful that he did not even come to face the world. Other factors
such
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as receiver ,
friends
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and music as well have a huge impact on the juvenile's
overall
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personality improvement. As parents are nowadays
workaholic
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workaholics
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, they leave their
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child
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children
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with
station
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stations
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,
mobile
Correct word choice
or mobile
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or ask them to play out. They watch, listen and see, and
then
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act upon the things.
The childhood
Correct article usage
Childhood
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adolescence
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and adolescence
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is
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are
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not
the
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apply
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adulthood to understand and
then
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react. In
this
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age, there is only one reaction.
For example
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, if the minor has
friends
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who are drug addicts, it's obvious that the
child
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will
also
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become addicted to it
,
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apply
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because the company affects the nature and habits of the
child
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.
Similarly
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, in
a
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the
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previous era, there was not much invention of audio and mobile so the children used to play with
friends
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and were unaware of the nudity, but in
this
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era, they watch and play with mobile phones which impacts their visualization and thinking power. They think what they see and hear. In conclusion, I would say that
,
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both the family and external factors play an imperative role in a
child
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's development. If parents give their children the proper time
,
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apply
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and keep an eye on what they watch on television or mobile and with whom they play, their
overall
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advancement of children will not suffer.

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task achievement
Consider providing a clearer thesis statement in the introduction to succinctly present your perspective on the topic.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are quite long and may benefit from being broken down into shorter sentences to enhance clarity.
task achievement
Ensure that all ideas presented in the essay are well-supported by specific examples or explanations to strengthen your arguments.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure that all terms used are accurate (e.g., 'receiver' should be 'devices' or 'screens'), which can improve clarity.
task achievement
You provided a balanced discussion of both views, which is essential for this type of essay.
task achievement
Your conclusion effectively summarizes your main points and offers a thoughtful perspective on the matter.

Your opinion

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