IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people think that the increase in the number of obese people should be the responsibility of the governments, while others think it should be the responsibility of individuals.

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In
this
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 essay I will be talking about the increase in the number of obese
people
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 and who should take responsibility. The governments or the individuals themselves. I will discuss both sides, offer general solutions and sum it up
at the end
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. The first point is that governments should be held accountable for the obesity of their citizens. The biggest issue is that many companies in the food or entertainment industries thrive from their clients’ compulsive consumption of food or content. The products are specifically designed to make
people
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 want to eat,
watch
Correct word choice
and watch
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 more and more. There is money to be made in the weakness of regular
people
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. The solution could be for the government to step in and put out certain health and food regulations that would force these companies to “fix” their foods or products, but I don't think that
this
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 is a realistic solution and that governments would do
this
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 very willingly. The second point is that obese
people
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 are responsible for their own
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problem
Fix the agreement mistake
problems
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. Of
course
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course,
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 big industries try to get their customers addicted to many unhealthy things, but if the person cannot resist the urge to overcome it
then
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 it becomes their
problem
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 as well. These
people
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 could seek out professional help: psychotherapy, physical therapy or even surgery. That could help to get rid of the need to mindlessly consume and negate the effects of consumption. Another side of
this
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problem
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 is children. As of today even in our
country
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country,
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 the rise in obesity is worrying and it isn’t the
childrens’
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children’s
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 fault. It’s the lack of proper parenting,
supervision
Correct word choice
and supervision
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 at daycare or schools. In conclusion, I think that the companies are responsible for creating
this
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problem
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 but the obese
people
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 are responsible for not resisting it, not seeking out help.

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coherence and cohesion
Provide clearer transitions between points and use connecting phrases to improve the flow of ideas.
task achievement
Include more specific examples to strengthen your arguments, particularly in supporting your main points.
coherence and cohesion
Clarify and refine your introduction to make it clear that you will discuss both perspectives before stating your view at the end.
task achievement
The essay presents a balanced view by discussing both sides of the argument thoughtfully.
coherence and cohesion
The conclusion effectively summarizes the argument, reiterating the main points made in the essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • obesity
  • responsibility
  • government intervention
  • public health
  • individual choices
  • lifestyle habits
  • health education
  • food environment
  • socioeconomic factors
  • nutrition awareness
  • unhealthy eating
  • caloric intake
  • dietary guidelines
  • personal accountability
  • cultural influences
  • advertising impact
  • community resources
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