IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people think that the increase in the number of obese people should be the responsibility of the governments, while others think it should be the responsibility of individuals.

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There is no question that every individual should look after themselves and live a healthy lifestyle.
It’s
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 vital for
people
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 to take care of both their mental and physical
health
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 in order to live a happy and fulfilling life. Talking about physical
health
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, nowadays
it’s
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 starting to get really difficult to maintain it. Things like technology, the internet and
fast-
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fast food
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food
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 can affect a
person
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 in many bad ways. Problems like poor vision,
diseases
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and diseases
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 like diabetes, infertility and
obesity
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 are more vibrant than ever. Particularly, the increase
of
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in
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 obese
people
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 has raised the question -
whether
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of whether
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 the
government
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 or the individual is responsible for it.
Firstly
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, in my
opinion
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opinion,
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 it mostly depends on the individual. A
person
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's view of themselves and values are the features that decide how they look after their body and mind. They are in charge of what they consume and how much effort they put
in
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into
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 physically exercising.
Obesity
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 is caused mainly by consuming unhealthy amounts of
food
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, that lack
in
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apply
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nutrition and have too much sugar or carbs. To avoid that, a
person
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 must learn discipline and mindfulness of self-harm. Not only that, but they have the ability to exercise, strengthen their body and get into shape, which
also
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 requires discipline and determination.
It’s
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 important for the individual to look after their
health
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 by themselves.
However
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, I do believe that the
government
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 should
also
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 feel responsible for
this
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 rise. The
government
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 has the ability to educate
their
Correct pronoun usage
its
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 citizens and make choices that take care of their welfare. They could introduce
food
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 regulations and laws that restrict unhealthy
food
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 imports with
food
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 additives that harm and increase the chance of
obesity
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. Organizing events and programmes can motivate
people
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 to live
healthy
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healthily
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 and be thoughtful. National
sport
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sports
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 day event, swimming pool open doors day, free sports club memberships and programmes about healthy diets etc. The
government
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 can
also
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 provide medical support and insurance. The
government
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 has the power and tools to help individuals battle
obesity
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 and other
concerning
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apply
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problems. To summarize, in my
opinion
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opinion,
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 it all comes down to the
person
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 and how they decide to take care of themselves.
It’s
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 their responsibility and factually only they can do something about their physical
health
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. Despite that, the
government
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 is responsible
to help
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for helping
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 their
people
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 practice a healthy lifestyle. It is beneficial to both the
person
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 and the
government
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 to battle
obesity
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 and other issues concerning an individual's
health
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.

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task achievement
Although your introduction presents the topic, consider including a clear thesis statement outlining your main arguments. This will guide the reader on what to expect in your essay.
coherence
Your paragraphs are logically structured, but try to ensure that each one clearly focuses on a singular point. This will improve clarity and focus.
task achievement
While you offered some good general examples, including specific statistics or studies related to obesity can strengthen your argument and make your points more persuasive.
positive
Your writing style is clear and articulate, making your arguments easy to follow. You express your ideas well and the language is fluid.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • obesity
  • responsibility
  • government intervention
  • public health
  • individual choices
  • lifestyle habits
  • health education
  • food environment
  • socioeconomic factors
  • nutrition awareness
  • unhealthy eating
  • caloric intake
  • dietary guidelines
  • personal accountability
  • cultural influences
  • advertising impact
  • community resources
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