IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Many manufacturd food and drink products contain high levels of sugar,which causes many health problems,sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

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Many health problems are caused by
foods
Use synonyms
 and
drinks
Use synonyms
 that consist of high
Use synonyms
sugar's
Change noun form
sugar
show examples
 levels. Some
people
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 argue that the
price
Use synonyms
 of
sugar
Use synonyms
 products should be increased to encourage
people
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 to consume less
sugar
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. I completely agree with
this
Linking Words
 notion, as the higher
price
Use synonyms
 could prevent
people
Use synonyms
to buy
Change preposition
from buying
show examples
 it effectively.
People
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 would think twice if the
price
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 grow eagerly as they have to fulfill other important needs of their
live
Replace the word
lives
show examples
.
Firstly
Linking Words
, once upon a time
people
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 always love
foods
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 and
drinks
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 that contain
sugar
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 as it
give
Change the verb form
gives
show examples
 an excited feeling to them.
Moreover
Linking Words
, nowadays, as
effect
Add an article
the effect
an effect
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 of globalization, many
that
Correct word choice
apply
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types of food and drink
which
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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advertise regularly exposing
people
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. It would be
a
Change the article
apply
show examples
dangerous if
people
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 consume it constantly because there are many bad
impact
Change to a plural noun
impacts
show examples
 that they would be received in the future.
For instance
Linking Words
,
people
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 who excelled
sugar
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 capacity in their body would undergo diabetes.
Consquently
Correct your spelling
Consequently
, that
ill
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illness
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 would reduce their body's
resistancy
Correct your spelling
resistance
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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make
Wrong verb form
making
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 them attacked easily by other ills. The solution to increase
sugar
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's
price
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 would be effective because it would
dispose
Add the preposition
dispose of
show examples
 all
foods
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' manufactured that contain
sugar
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 to decrease their product as their main
ingridient
Correct your spelling
ingredient
 is more expensive.
Additionally
Linking Words
, the government as
regulator
Add an article
a regulator
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 should check regularly about the implementation of dropping
sugar
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's
price
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. They must survey
to
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apply
show examples
all markets and make sure there is no chance to deny
this
Linking Words
 rule.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, the expensive
price
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 would naturally
dispose
Add the preposition
dispose of
show examples
Use synonyms
foods
Fix the agreement mistake
food
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 and
drinks
Use synonyms
'
Use synonyms
price
Fix the agreement mistake
prices
show examples
to
Replace the word
too
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. With higher prices,
people
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 would minimize their consumption
those
Change preposition
of those
show examples
 products automatically. That new habit would make them healthier than before.
While
Linking Words
 buying some
foods
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 that
give
Verb problem
have
show examples
 bad effects
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
 them, they begin to buy
foods
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 and
drinks
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 that make them fit.
Consequently
Linking Words
, they would have
better
Add an article
a better
show examples
 life to spend
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
with their happy family.

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task achievement
Ensure that your introduction clearly states your position on the topic. It should be clear that you completely agree or disagree with the statement to strengthen your argument.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure to use proper grammar and avoid small inaccuracies such as misusing plurals and articles. For example, 'sugary products' instead of 'sugar products'.
coherence and cohesion
Consider revising sentences for clarity and grammatical accuracy. For example, 'People would think twice if the price grow eagerly' could be rephrased to 'People would think twice if prices increased significantly.'
task achievement
You provide a clear position on the topic indicating that you agree with the idea of increasing the price of sugary products.
task achievement
You present relevant points related to health issues that arise from high sugar consumption, which is important for the argument.
coherence and cohesion
The essay contains logical points that build upon each other, showcasing a degree of coherence in your arguments.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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