IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

It is the responsibility of individuals to save and provide for their own retirement. Governments have no obligation to provide this benefit. To what extend to you agree or disagree with these statements?

Recently,
problems
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 regarding pensions have bothered many countries, sparking a debate about the responsibilities of life planning. Some
people
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 say
people
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 should be responsible for their own life until its end and not rely on a government,
while
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 others say not. I partly agree with the latter idea for the following
reason
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reasons
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. Allocating many
budgets
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 to elderly
people
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 has tremendous benefits for the economy. For a start, elderly
people
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 are important consumers, particularly in developed countries. As society matures, the proportion of old
people
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 has grown, and these
people
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 have significant impacts on food industries and so on. If these oldest have gotten poor by not being provided enough pensions, sales of these industries will fall, negatively affecting the whole economy
in
Change preposition
of
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 a country.
Furthermore
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, the society in which
people
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 who retire can rely on only their savings can deprive young
people
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 of the willingness to purchase.
For example
Linking Words
, when the Ministry of Finance in Japan announced that
people
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 should have
save
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saved
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 20 million yen for their future a few years ago, resulting in stagflation. Of course, the pension system might have negative budgetary
problems
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.
Firstly
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, when the number of elderly
people
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 overwhelms the younger generation, young
people
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 are imposed
highly
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a high
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 burden to make up the
budgets
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 and sustain the system.
Moreover
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, there are other important areas governments should spend their money on
such
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 as education. If the
budgets
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 for tuition increase, many children who cannot afford high-level education so far can go to universities and become scientists, engineers or entrepreneurs, contributing to developing industries.
However
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, these monetary
problems
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 can be resolved by some measures like making other
budgets
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 from foreigners and so on. In conclusion, governments’ spending enough money on
old
Correct article usage
the old
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 generation
make
Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
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 considerable benefits for economies, even though some
problems
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 caused by
this
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 system
exit
Correct your spelling
exist
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.
Therefore
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, I would like to support the idea that the governments should provide enough money to elder
people
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 who retire and the responsibilities should not be imposed on individuals.

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task achievement
While your essay presents a clear argument, your introduction could more explicitly outline your stance on the topic. A thesis statement clearly stating your position at the end of the introduction would enhance clarity.
coherence and cohesion
The connection between your points could be stronger. Use more linking phrases to guide the reader through your argumentation. For example, using phrases like "Furthermore," or "In addition," can help to create clearer transitions between ideas.
coherence and cohesion
In your conclusion, reiterating the key points discussed in the body paragraphs would reinforce your argument. Summarizing your main ideas succinctly can leave a lasting impression on the reader.
task achievement
Your essay addresses the prompt effectively and presents a balanced view while arguing your position. The use of examples such as Japan's pension announcement adds relevance to your argument.
task achievement
You have a clear understanding of the economic implications of pensions, which enriches your argument and demonstrates critical thinking.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • self-reliance
  • financial planning
  • social safety nets
  • poverty and inequality
  • employer-based pension schemes
  • personal savings
  • government benefits
  • economic factors
  • inflation
  • financial markets
  • government intervention
  • ethical implications
  • disparities
  • quality of life
  • collective approach
  • retirement planning
  • retirement security
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