It is the responsibility of individuals to save and provide for their own retirement. Governments have no obligation to provide this benefit. To what extend to you agree or disagree with these statements?

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problems
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regarding pensions have bothered many countries, sparking a debate about the responsibilities of life planning. Some
people
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say
people
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should be responsible for their own life until its end and not rely on a government,
while
Linking Words

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others say not. I partly agree with the latter idea for the following
reason
Fix the agreement mistake
reasons

It seems that reason may not agree in number with other words in this phrase.

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. Allocating many
budgets
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to elderly
people
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has tremendous benefits for the economy. For a start, elderly
people
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are important consumers, particularly in developed countries. As society matures, the proportion of old
people
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has grown, and these
people
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have significant impacts on food industries and so on. If these oldest have gotten poor by not being provided enough pensions, sales of these industries will fall, negatively affecting the whole economy
in
Change preposition
of

It seems that preposition use may be incorrect here.

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a country.
Furthermore
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, the society in which
people
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who retire can rely on only their savings can deprive young
people
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of the willingness to purchase.
For example
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, when the Ministry of Finance in Japan announced that
people
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should have
save
Change the verb form
saved

It appears that the verb save should be in the past participle form. Consider changing it.

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20 million yen for their future a few years ago, resulting in stagflation. Of course, the pension system might have negative budgetary
problems
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.
Firstly
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, when the number of elderly
people
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overwhelms the younger generation, young
people
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are imposed
highly
Rephrase
a high

There may be an adverb issue here.

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burden to make up the
budgets
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and sustain the system.
Moreover
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, there are other important areas governments should spend their money on
such
Linking Words

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as education. If the
budgets
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for tuition increase, many children who cannot afford high-level education so far can go to universities and become scientists, engineers or entrepreneurs, contributing to developing industries.
However
Linking Words

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, these monetary
problems
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can be resolved by some measures like making other
budgets
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from foreigners and so on. In conclusion, governments’ spending enough money on
old
Correct article usage
the old

It seems that there is an article usage problem here.

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generation
make
Correct subject-verb agreement
makes

It seems that the verb make does not agree with the subject. Consider changing the verb form.

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considerable benefits for economies, even though some
problems
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caused by
this
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system
exit
Correct your spelling
exist

The word exit doesn’t seem to fit this context. Consider replacing it with a different one.

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.
Therefore
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, I would like to support the idea that the governments should provide enough money to elder
people
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It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

who retire and the responsibilities should not be imposed on individuals.

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task achievement
While your essay presents a clear argument, your introduction could more explicitly outline your stance on the topic. A thesis statement clearly stating your position at the end of the introduction would enhance clarity.
coherence and cohesion
The connection between your points could be stronger. Use more linking phrases to guide the reader through your argumentation. For example, using phrases like "Furthermore," or "In addition," can help to create clearer transitions between ideas.
coherence and cohesion
In your conclusion, reiterating the key points discussed in the body paragraphs would reinforce your argument. Summarizing your main ideas succinctly can leave a lasting impression on the reader.
task achievement
Your essay addresses the prompt effectively and presents a balanced view while arguing your position. The use of examples such as Japan's pension announcement adds relevance to your argument.
task achievement
You have a clear understanding of the economic implications of pensions, which enriches your argument and demonstrates critical thinking.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • self-reliance
  • financial planning
  • social safety nets
  • poverty and inequality
  • employer-based pension schemes
  • personal savings
  • government benefits
  • economic factors
  • inflation
  • financial markets
  • government intervention
  • ethical implications
  • disparities
  • quality of life
  • collective approach
  • retirement planning
  • retirement security
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