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Band 5

Surveillance cameras in banks, offices, shops, and streets have been very successful in reducing crime in the workplace and the public, but they are also used for the users to spy on people's private business. What problems do surveillance cameras create? What are the solutions?

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Surveillance
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cameras
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 in banks, offices, shops, and streets have been very successful in reducing crime in the workplace and the public, but they are
also
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 used
for
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by
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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users to spy on people's private
business
Fix the agreement mistake
businesses
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. What problems do
surveillance
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cameras
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 create? What are the solutions? It is undeniable that
surveillance
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cameras
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 help us to protect against crimes in many significant places,
such
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 as banks or shops, or some common parts of cities,
for
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example
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example,
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 streets or aisles.
However
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, some people apply the upsides of
this
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 technology to do unethical activities. So we should find ways to protect and cover downwards of innovation. In the following paragraphs, I will outline what problems
this
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 state-of-the-art can provide you and how to solve these issues.
Firstly
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, using
surveillance
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cameras
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 in bad ways,
such
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 as installing them in someone's room to record their behaviours or their lives without any permission is totally a crime. Some of theft might use it to blackmail the room's owner or put it on the internet to destroy their reputation.
Secondly
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, Hackers sometimes penetrate the security system of the
cameras
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 to get the information inside the organizations. After they know the movements in the office, they might sell them to their rivals or thieves to break into the company to steal or delete secret data. To solve the problems, authorities should determine the proposal for buying
the
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apply
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surveillance
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cameras
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 or introducing a license system for communities. If the corporations or some people want to grasp
this
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 invention, they need to fly the proposal to the authorities first and
then
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 decide whether they are going to hand the licenses or not.
Additionally
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, the camera producer would often update their firmware or software in the security part to protect against outsiders who wish to get access to the
cameras
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.
According to
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 the information mentioned above, it can be concluded that
surveillance
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cameras
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 can cause privacy invasion and hacking to steal secret details of companies, and it should be solved by the authorities that need to control the use
of
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apply
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it
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apply
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, and the producer should keep their
cameras
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' system up-to-date and block the penetration.

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coherence and cohesion
The introduction could be revised to clearly outline the two main areas of focus: problems created by surveillance cameras and potential solutions. This would provide a clearer roadmap for the reader.
task achievement
In the body paragraphs, adding more specific examples for the issues mentioned (e.g., real-life instances of privacy invasion or recent hacking incidents) would strengthen the arguments and enhance clarity.
coherence and cohesion
The conclusion could be more definitive by summarizing the key points more succinctly and reinforcing the need for a balanced approach to surveillance.
task achievement
The essay presents a clear understanding of the benefits and drawbacks of surveillance cameras, which demonstrates critical thinking on the topic.
coherence and cohesion
The use of transitional phrases (e.g., 'Firstly', 'Secondly', 'According to the information mentioned above') helps guide the reader through the argument, adding to the cohesion of the essay.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • surveillance
  • privacy invasion
  • misuse
  • cybercriminals
  • over-reliance
  • psychological impact
  • data storage
  • data breaches
  • compliance
  • behavioral changes
  • regulations
  • signage
  • encrypting
  • secured storage
  • privacy rights
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