IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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We are living in
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
newly
Change the word
new
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 era of digital
evolvement
Replace the word
evolution
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 when everything is
relating
Wrong verb form
related
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 to technology, people nowadays are digitalized in many aspects of life so
children
Use synonyms
 will not be out of that. At
the
Correct article usage
an
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 early age,
children
Use synonyms
 have
opportunity
Correct article usage
the opportunity
show examples
 to interact with lots of smart technologies
such
Linking Words
 as
smartphone
Fix the agreement mistake
smartphones
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in
Change preposition
apply
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which could lead to
number
Add an article
a number
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 of positive and negative results that
needs
Change the verb form
need
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 to be mentioned Technology is evolving and adapting with the lifetime, it makes everything become easier and smarter,
for
Linking Words
example
Add a comma
example,
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 Smartphone is one of the big inventions to support human
being
Fix the agreement mistake
beings
show examples
 in
this
Linking Words
 modern world. For
adult
Fix the agreement mistake
adults
show examples
, it assists in a range of activities
such
Linking Words
 as
works
Fix the agreement mistake
work
show examples
 and personal life and so on. For
children
Use synonyms
, it is one of the most exciting entertainment machines ever.
Children
Use synonyms
 can spend hours a day just
to watch
Change the verb form
watching
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 anime videos online or playing games. The reason, to keep them
stick
Wrong verb form
stuck
show examples
 to it, is that they do not play alone but their friends always connect to
portal
Add an article
the portal
a portal
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 to play together.
This
Linking Words
 development is still scholarly debatable in many ways about its positive and negative impacts
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
 our lives, and from my perspective,
technology
Replace the word
technological
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 development is needed for
this
Linking Words
 world but with the type of users who are
children
Use synonyms
, if we cannot control it
then
Linking Words
 negative effects could be seen
Firstly
Linking Words
,
children
Use synonyms
 are not mature enough to be able to control the content they will access
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
in the online staging. There are many toxic and unsuitable materials that
do
Verb problem
are
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 not suit for
children
Use synonyms
widespread
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
online.
Secondly
Linking Words
,
smart
Add an article
the smart
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device
Fix the agreement mistake
devices
show examples
 will leverage
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
addiction
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
online entertainment activities rather than focusing on studying at
the
Correct article usage
a
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 young age since learning is
fundamental
Add an article
a fundamental
the fundamental
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 requirement to develop a trait of a person.
In
Change preposition
Overall
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overall
Linking Words
, those are parents should overlook the way
your
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
children
Use synonyms
 use smart
device
Fix the agreement mistake
devices
show examples
 to manage them
right
Rephrase
correctly
show examples
. It is better to teach rather than limit them to use.

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Task Achievement
Consider defining key terms such as 'digital era' and 'smart technologies' for clarity.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure paragraphs have clear topic sentences and maintain a logical flow of ideas throughout the essay.
Task Achievement
Support your main points with specific examples or personal anecdotes to strengthen your arguments.
Task Achievement
The essay presents a relevant discussion on the impact of smartphones on children, which directly addresses the prompt.
Task Achievement
There is a clear recognition of both positive and negative aspects of smartphone usage by children, showing balanced consideration of the topic.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
What to do next:
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