IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The graph below gives information about the percentage of the population in four Asian countries living in cities from 1970 to 2020, with predictions for 2030 and 2040.

The graph below gives information about the percentage of the population in four Asian countries living in cities from 1970 to 2020, with predictions for 2030 and 2040.
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
The line graph below
explained
Wrong verb form
explains
show examples
 how the
percentage
Use synonyms
 of
Use synonyms
population
Add an article
the population
show examples
 in
Use synonyms
Philippines
Correct article usage
the Philippines
show examples
,
Malaysia
Use synonyms
,
Thailand
Use synonyms
, and
Indonesia
Use synonyms
 living in the cities
change
Wrong verb form
changed
show examples
 from 1970 to 2020 and predictions from 2020 and 2024.
Overall
Linking Words
, the portion of
Use synonyms
population
Add an article
the population
show examples
 in
Malaysia
Use synonyms
 from the
second
Use synonyms
 largest at the beginning to the largest
at the end
Linking Words
 and the
percentage
Use synonyms
 of
Use synonyms
population
Add an article
the population
show examples
 in
Indonesia
Use synonyms
 at the beginning
have
Verb problem
was
show examples
 the smallest number, which
become
Wrong verb form
became
show examples
 the
second
Use synonyms
one
Use synonyms
at the end
Linking Words
.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, the number of people in
Use synonyms
Philippines
Correct article usage
the Philippines
show examples
 from the highest
one
Use synonyms
drop
Wrong verb form
dropped
show examples
 to the third
one
Use synonyms
, and the portion of
Use synonyms
population
Add an article
the population
show examples
 in
Thailand
Use synonyms
 from the third
one
Use synonyms
 at the beginning descend to the
last
Linking Words
one
Use synonyms
at the end
Linking Words
.
Firstly
Linking Words
, the
population
Use synonyms
 of
Malaysia
Use synonyms
 was at 30%
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
 1970 later
second
Use synonyms
 place later 1990
was
Verb problem
apply
show examples
exceed
Wrong verb form
exceeding
show examples
 the
Philippines
Use synonyms
, which had the largest
population
Use synonyms
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
Linking Words
this
Correct determiner usage
these
show examples
 four
countries
Use synonyms
, and
then
Linking Words
 rose sharply to the highest
population
Use synonyms
 country in the four
countries
Use synonyms
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
 2020.
Secondly
Linking Words
, the rate of
Use synonyms
population
Add an article
the population
a population
show examples
 of
Indonesia
Use synonyms
 was
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
gradually
increase
Change the verb form
increasing
show examples
.
However
Linking Words
, in 2000, the
population
Use synonyms
 of
Indonesia
Use synonyms
exceed
Wrong verb form
exceeded
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
Thailand
Use synonyms
at
Change preposition
by
show examples
 around 30% later in 2020
exceed
Wrong verb form
exceeded
show examples
 the
population
Use synonyms
 of
Use synonyms
Philippines
Correct article usage
the Philippines
show examples
at
Change preposition
by
show examples
 40%. In 2020,
Indonesia
Use synonyms
 became the
Use synonyms
second largest
Add a hyphen
second-largest
show examples
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
population
Use synonyms
 entry
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
Linking Words
this
Correct determiner usage
these
show examples
 four
countries
Use synonyms
.
Finally
Linking Words
, in 2040 will reach 60%.
In addition
Linking Words
,
at
Change the preposition
in
show examples
 the beginning,
1970
Change preposition
of 1970
show examples
,
Use synonyms
Philippines
Correct article usage
the Philippines
show examples
 had the highest
percentage
Use synonyms
 of
Use synonyms
population
Add an article
the population
show examples
 at above 20%, but
in
Change preposition
from
show examples
 1990 to 2010
was
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
being surpassed
two
Change preposition
by two
show examples
countries
Use synonyms
, which
was
Correct subject-verb agreement
were
show examples
Malaysia
Use synonyms
 and
Indonesia
Use synonyms
 at 40%. In 2020 was
become
Verb problem
apply
show examples
the third later and expect to get 50%.
In the
Change preposition
The
show examples
percentage
Use synonyms
 of
Thailand
Use synonyms
 was at around about 20%
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
 1970 and had a gain
gender
Change preposition
in gender
show examples
 rise to around 30% in 2020.
Linking Words
Finally
Add a comma
Finally,
show examples
 expect to reach 50% in 2040.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "at the end, finally".
▼
Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Common mistake: Your writing should be 150-250 words.
Basic structure: Change the third paragraph.
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words percentage, population, philippines, malaysia, thailand, indonesia, second, one, countries with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 4 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "reach" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "around" was used 3 times.
▼
Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the third paragraph.
▼
Topic Vocabulary:
  • graph
  • percentage
  • population
  • Asian countries
  • living in cities
  • 1970
  • 2020
  • predictions
  • 2030
  • 2040
  • introduction
  • overview
  • trend
  • body paragraph
  • compare
  • predicted percentages
  • summarize
  • closing statement
What to do next:
Look at other essays: