IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people believe that children of all ages should have extra responsibilities. Other believe that, outside of school, children should be free to enjoy life. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

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A
Correct article usage
The
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 thought of enjoying
a
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apply
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free
time
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 after school has been increasingly common in
this
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 modern era.
This
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 is because change in
life style
Correct your spelling
lifestyle
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 has taken mammoth dimensions.
On the other hand
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, some individuals
beleive
Correct your spelling
believe
 that children should understand their extra
responisibilities
Correct your spelling
responsibilities
.
This
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 essay intends to shed light
both
Change preposition
on both
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the
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apply
show examples
viewpoints and I think students should enjoy their life
in
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at
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their
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a
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 younger age. There are many wonderful facets associated with the fact of having extra
work
Use synonyms
 apart from the
study
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. The contributing factor is doing their personal
work
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such
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 as cleaning their rooms and learning some skills.
For example
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, in
the
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apply
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Japan teenagers do some extra activities to help their parents which
increase
Correct subject-verb agreement
increases
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 their productivity.
Moreover
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, Children should earn some money to support themselves in the present and future. Like they can do
part-
Correct your spelling
part-time
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time
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job
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jobs
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, which can help them to earn some money.
The
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A
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 recent
study
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 shows that 60% of
youngster
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youngsters
show examples
 do
Add an article
the job
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job
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
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 in
the
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apply
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restaurants and in
the
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apply
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other sectors to
being
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be
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 independent in
the
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apply
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European countries.
Besides
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of
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apply
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this
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, some people think that kids should enjoy their school
time
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 without any burden. The observing factor is good grades. As they just do
study
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 without any other
work
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,
then
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 their performance in the school will be excellent. Even, They can
explore
Rephrase
even explore
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 more places and learn about different things. When they have extra free
time
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 after
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study
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studying
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, they can visit more places and can grab more knowledge about different
prodcuts
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products
. Neither
they
Add a missing verb
do they
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 have more stress nor any extra
burrden
Correct your spelling
burden
 on their shoulders.
To conclude
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, I am
inclinde
Correct your spelling
inclined
incline
 to believe that extra
work
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 can make children
a
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apply
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responsible
citizen
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citizens
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 but somehow it can impact
on
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apply
show examples
their
mind
Replace the word
mental
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 development, which can only
control
Wrong verb form
be controlled
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 by
less
Change the quantifier
fewer
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 responsibilities.
This
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 can
dangerous
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be dangerous
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 for their
study
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 and
overall
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 development.
According to
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 me, kids just need to focus on their education and celebrate their free
time
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according to
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 their
wish
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wishes
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.

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task achievement
The introduction presents both views but could be clearer in stating your position. Consider rephrasing your thesis statement for better clarity.
coherence cohesion
Improve the logical flow of your ideas by using clearer transitional phrases between paragraphs and within them.
task achievement
During your discussion of viewpoints, ensure you provide more specific examples that support your arguments and clarify your points further.
task achievement
You provided a clear discussion of both perspectives, which is essential for this type of essay.
task achievement
Your use of examples, like part-time jobs for teenagers, adds credibility to your argument about responsibility.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • responsibilities
  • life skills
  • time management
  • teamwork
  • problem-solving
  • accountability
  • work ethic
  • independence
  • consequences
  • creative development
  • social interactions
  • burnout
  • excessive
  • balance
What to do next:
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