IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

In many countries government are investing new technology to deal with the public. Why this is happening? Do you think this is an appropriate use of government money?

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With the recent advancement in
technology
Use synonyms
, more and more governments now invest in modern
technology
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 in order to tackle public concerns.
This
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 is an effort to mitigate environmental and health issues of the citizens. I believe
this
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 is a positive approach, which could improve the
overall
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 quality of life.
To begin
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 with, investing in a country's modern
technology
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 has numerous benefits, which include the promotion of healthy living and less environmental pollution. When government invest money in renewable energy,
such
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 as wind and solar energy, through combating the use of fossil fuel.
For instance
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, subsidizing large companies and infrastructure
,
Remove the comma
apply
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will potentially decrease the level of air pollution and associated respiratory and cardiopulmonary diseases
of
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in
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 the country, which include greenhouse gas
emission
Fix the agreement mistake
emissions
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global
Correct word choice
and global
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 warming.
Additionally
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, advanced
technology
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 can be used in various sectors and work environments, including manual labour which often requires high musculoskeletal activities. With the new technological era, automation reduces the workload on employees with the assistance of tools like Robots and remote-controlled machines, which
as a result
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 reduces stress levels, overwork and burnout among workers.
Furthermore
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, more workers could have the opportunity to work from home, which increases family time and bonding.
This
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 can promote productivity and lessen the rate at which people visit hospitals for these health conditions. In conclusion, many countries now invest government funds in
technology
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, which can promote the
overall
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 health
individuals
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of individuals
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 and
environment
Correct article usage
the environment
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, and
also
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 increase productivity in society. In my opinion,
this
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 is an efficient means of expenditure, because it can improve the general quality of life.
However
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, a balanced approach across other sectors is required in order to maintain a well-rounded community.

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task achievement
While you presented good arguments for using technology to address public concerns, try to elaborate on potential drawbacks or challenges to provide a more balanced view.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure to proofread your work for small grammatical errors and clarity for a smoother reading experience. For instance, 'government' should be 'governments'.
task achievement
You have effectively pointed out various benefits of investing in technology for public welfare, making your argument persuasive.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay demonstrates a clear logical structure with a well-defined introduction, body, and conclusion.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • governmental investment
  • enhance efficiency
  • accessibility
  • responsiveness
  • public services
  • progressive step
  • modernizing
  • quality of life
  • technological advancements
  • data management
  • policy decisions
  • streamlined processes
  • shift towards technology
  • digitization
  • digital divide
  • privacy
  • prioritization
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