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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think that competition at work, at school and in daily life is a good thing. Others believe that we should try to cooperate more, rather than competing against each other. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

Undoubtedly, with the interaction among
people
Use synonyms
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
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highly emphasized, society has received a
widely
Change the adverb
wide
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 debate regarding whether
individuals
Use synonyms
 should be competitive or cooperative
more
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
. As for my perspective, I am in
favor
Change the spelling
favour
show examples
 of the former, and the reasons will be elaborated on thoroughly as follows. An array of factors may lead to why
people
Use synonyms
 tend to cooperate with each other.
To begin
Linking Words
 with,
people
Use synonyms
 with different backgrounds and diverse opinions can create
unexpective
Correct your spelling
unexpected
 results.
That is
Linking Words
, brainstorming is
a
Remove the article
apply
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great access to product advanced
throught
Correct your spelling
through
 or items.
Moreover
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, if
individuals
Use synonyms
 collaborate well
between
Change preposition
with
show examples
 others, the atmosphere in our society would become more peaceful and safe. Teenagers can establish the abilities of cooperation, empathy and
leader
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leadership
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skill
Fix the agreement mistake
skills
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 as well at school, which are vital for their future. Being competitive
also
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 plays a crucial role among citizens,
espacially
Correct your spelling
especially
 in young groups.
Firstly
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,
individuals
Use synonyms
 will be more
motivative
Replace the word
motivated
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 and hardworking via the existence of competition, whether it is
pratical
Correct your spelling
practical
 or potential;
therefore
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, they tend to force themselves to improve their
expertises
Correct your spelling
expertise
show examples
 or skills in order to win
their
Change preposition
over their
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 peers.
Secondly
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, competition brings
positively
Change the word
positive
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consequence
Fix the agreement mistake
consequences
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 for the public.
For example
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, two businesses launching
same
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the same
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 genre of product
lead
Correct subject-verb agreement
leads
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 to potential
competitive
Replace the word
competition
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 on the market;
hence
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, they will dedicate their time and technology to increase their items' quality and reduce prices. In conclusion, based on the aforementioned, I am firmly convinced that being competitive contributes more benefits
instead
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 of cooperation with each other for both society and
individuals
Use synonyms
 because
people
Use synonyms
 can improve their professional skills and abilities, inventions and
serves
Replace the word
services
show examples
 will be offered with better qualities and lower prices by companies.

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coherence and cohesion
Your introduction is clear, but consider rephrasing 'society has received a widely debate' to 'there is a widely debated topic in society.' This will enhance clarity.
task achievement
When discussing cooperation, you mention 'brainstorming is a great access to product advanced throught or items.' Try to clarify what you mean by this and ensure correct phrasing. For instance, it can be phrased as 'brainstorming can lead to the development of advanced products or ideas.'
coherence and cohesion
You have numerous spelling errors (e.g., 'espacially' instead of 'especially,' 'motivative' instead of 'motivated,' 'pratical' instead of 'practical'). Correcting these will improve the overall impression of your writing.
task achievement
Your essay presents a clear argument in favor of competition, supported by valid points, including how it enhances motivation and can lead to lower prices and improved quality in products.
coherence and cohesion
The conclusion effectively summarizes your stance, reinforcing the main arguments discussed in the essay.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • innovation
  • productivity
  • excel
  • outperform
  • advancements
  • academic standards
  • work ethic
  • stress
  • anxiety
  • unhealthy rivalries
  • harmonious
  • supportive
  • collaborative learning
  • social skills
  • communication skills
  • sense of community
  • collective goals
What to do next:
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