IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some think that government should support retired people financially while others believe they should take care of themselves. Discuss both views and give your opinion

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Senior citizens are the backbone of every family because they always try to connect their grandchildren with their roots. A host of progressives argued that higher authority should aid older people with
money
Use synonyms
 when they retire from their jobs and others think that they have to save enough amount for themselves so they cannot get any help from
Correct article usage
the goverment
show examples
goverment
Correct your spelling
government
. In
this
Linking Words
 essay, I will explain both views
along with
Linking Words
 my opinion in the following paragraphs.
To begin
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 with, the former side
that
Add a missing verb
is that
show examples
 authority should support elder individuals financially. first and
formost
Correct your spelling
foremost
, multitudes can use that funds for their betterment. To explain, when the
goverment
Correct your spelling
government
provide
Correct subject-verb agreement
provides
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
help to retired ones in the form of
pension
Correct article usage
a pension
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, they not only use that
money
Use synonyms
 for
good
Correct article usage
a good
show examples
 living standard but they
also
Linking Words
 use it to help their family.
As a result
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, they never be a burden on their children.
For instance
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, in foreign countries, parents live in old age
house
Fix the agreement mistake
houses
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 and their kids meet them
on
Change preposition
at
show examples
 special events only at that age they are not able to work so financial aid helps them to
fulfill
Change the spelling
fulfil
show examples
 their basic needs.
Hence
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, higher
orgainzations
Correct your spelling
organisations
 should give support to older. considering the
another
Correct quantifier usage
other
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 notion which said that elder people take care of themselves.
Prior
Correct word choice
The first
show examples
 one is that they have to save
alot
Correct your spelling
a lot
 of
money
Use synonyms
while
Linking Words
 doing
job
Correct article usage
a job
show examples
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
their
Change the word
a
show examples
 young age. If a person who did a cooperate job and earned a
hafty
Correct your spelling
hefty
 amount for their living
then
Linking Words
 only he is able to save the
money
Use synonyms
 for their future.
For example
Linking Words
, a permanent job can give
a
Remove the article
apply
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support to
person
Add an article
the person
a person
show examples
 that he or she will
fulfill
Change the spelling
fulfil
show examples
 their dreams and save for
future
Correct article usage
the future
show examples
 with it else they have to depend on others. In
conculsion
Correct your spelling
conclusion
, I believe that
authority
Fix the agreement mistake
authorities
show examples
 should provide
required
Correct article usage
the required
show examples
 help to older so that retired people can enjoy their remaining life without any
finanical
Correct your spelling
financial
problem
Fix the agreement mistake
problems
show examples
. In the
above mention
Correct your spelling
above-mentioned
show examples
 paragraphs explain the both views and
summaried
Correct your spelling
summarised
summarized
summaries
 with my viewpoint.

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task achievement
Consider improving your introduction to clearly state both sides of the argument. It should summarize the discussion more succinctly and incorporate your opinion at the end of the introduction.
coherence and cohesion
Improve the logical flow of the essay by ensuring each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and that ideas flow smoothly. Use linking words to connect sentences and paragraphs effectively.
task achievement
Make sure to check for spelling and grammatical errors, such as ‘goverment’ (government), ‘orgainzations’ (organizations), and ‘conculsion’ (conclusion). These can distract from your message.
task achievement
You have made a genuine effort to present both sides of the argument, which is commendable.
task achievement
The use of examples shows that you can apply your arguments in real-world contexts.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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