IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people say that time and money spent on music classes in schools aren’t necessary; instead, children should be learning a useful subject such as science and computer. Do you agree or disagree with this statement? Give your own opinion and include relevant examples

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Many people believe that, in schools, having
music
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 lectures
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
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 not worth enough to spend time and money rather than paying attention to it, they should focus on learning valuable
subjects
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such
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 as science and computers. I,
however
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, completely disagree with the viewpoint as in my opinion,
although
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 academic
subjects
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 are more important,
art
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subjects
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 are
also
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 essential to have in the curriculum.
This
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 is because, learning
music
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 fosters creativity,
expression
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and expression
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, and develops
conginitive
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cognitive
 abilities.
Additionally
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, it
also
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 improves well-being.
To begin
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 with,in the syllabus, having
art
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subject
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subjects
show examples
such
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 as
music
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 is beneficial for learners as it contributes creativity and
experssion
Correct your spelling
expression
, which are crucial skills in today's world. Learning
music
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 as an
art
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 form improves
conginitive
Correct your spelling
cognitive
 abilities
such
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 as
cordination
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coordination
 and memory.
For instance
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, studies have shown that students who participate in
music
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 programs, perform better in credential
subjects
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 like math and science as they are very keen to remember formulas with the help of
music
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.
Furthermore
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, Many people who have reached
on
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apply
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the top of their
career
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careers
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also
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, reveal that their musical background is the reason behind
uniqueness
Correct pronoun usage
their uniqueness
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 in their fields.
In addition
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 to
this
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,
music
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also
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 helps in improving mental well-being. Listening
or
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to or
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 playing a musical instrument in day-to-day life leads to
better
Add an article
a better
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 quality of life.
This
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 is because, it helps
in releasing
Wrong verb form
release
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 stress
also
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, improves
overall
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 health.
For example
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,
music
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 helps pupils who are engaged in musical activities to achieve
more
Correct word choice
higher
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 scores
in
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on
show examples
 the exams as they feel stress-free. In conclusion,primary
subjects
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such
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 as science and
computer
Fix the agreement mistake
computers
show examples
 are crucial for students as they have more creditability. In my opinion,
music
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 is essential because, for
graduates
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graduates,
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 it is very essential to have better health to study and focus on their goals to achieve academic excellence.
Also
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, in working culture, creativity is the key aspect for an individual who wants to stand out in the crowd.
Therefore
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,
art
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 form
such
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 as
music
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 helps
individual
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individuals
show examples
 to grow personally and professionally.

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task achievement
Improve the clarity of your argument in the introduction and ensure that your stance is clearly stated. Consider rephrasing to enhance its precision.
coherence and cohesion
Work on the flow between sentences and paragraphs to create a more seamless reading experience.
task achievement
Provide more detailed examples to back up your points, ensuring they're directly relevant to the arguments made. Specify how music directly impacts academic performance in a smoother manner.
task achievement
Your essay addresses the prompt effectively and presents a clear position. Good job on including both sides of the argument.
task achievement
Your points about creativity and mental well-being are insightful and relevant to the topic.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • creativity
  • expression
  • cognitive abilities
  • coordination
  • memory
  • teamwork
  • social skills
  • stress reliever
  • self-expression
  • cultural literacy
  • diversity
  • perspective
  • emotional release
  • academic success
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