IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

some people think sense of competition in children should be encouraged, other believe that children who are taught to cooperate rather than compete become more useful adults. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
In the current world, arriving first is often equated with being the best.
However
Linking Words
, it is widely known that achieving first place requires significant team support.
While
Linking Words
 some people believe that
Use synonyms
sense
Correct article usage
a sense
show examples
 of
competition
Use synonyms
 should be encouraged in children, others think the
sense
Use synonyms
 of cooperation is responsible
to develop
Change preposition
for developing
show examples
 more useful adults. In
this
Linking Words
 essay will be discussed
this
Linking Words
 issue and I will present my way of seeing
this
Linking Words
 problem.
Firstly
Linking Words
, being a competitor can bring many benefits
such
Linking Words
 as resilience, superior scores and self-knowledge, to name just a few.
According to
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
, children who are encouraged to have a
sense
Use synonyms
 of
competition
Use synonyms
 can achieve a variety of goals.
For example
Linking Words
, regarding physical education in school, the students are learning rules, discipline and sports, some characteristics of an athlete - a very competitive individual. In
this
Linking Words
 environment, the pupils will learn that to reach their objective is necessary effort and a
sense
Use synonyms
 of
competition
Use synonyms
, features responsible
to push
Change preposition
for pushing
show examples
 them
further
Linking Words
 away.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, competitive
peoples
Fix the agreement mistake
people
show examples
 can lead to stress, frequent
disappoints
Replace the word
disappointments
show examples
 and mood fluctuations.
As a consequence
Linking Words
, simple routine issues can become difficult tasks for them. From
this
Linking Words
 perspective, cooperation needs to be encouraged during childhood, as it is an essential feature
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
adult life.
For instance
Linking Words
, in a tragic catastrophe
such
Linking Words
 as Cyclone Alfred, cooperative individuals will likely prioritize collective survival and aid, sharing resources to overcome
this
Linking Words
 challenge. In summary,
although
Linking Words
 the competitors may achieve the first place, they sometimes do
in
Correct pronoun usage
it in
show examples
 isolation. In my perspective, a balance between these two characteristics is crucial for a society.
Competition
Use synonyms
 to achieve
further
Linking Words
 and cooperation to be together,
the
Add a missing verb
is the
show examples
 perfect match for a successful and fulfilling life.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

general
Your introduction sets the stage well, but it could be made clearer by explicitly stating both sides of the argument in one sentence and mentioning your stance more clearly at the end.
coherence
In your body paragraphs, ensure each point is clearly connected to the thesis statement. You could better illustrate how competition can lead to strengths, perhaps by expanding on your examples.
cohesion
Your conclusion presents a balanced view, but it might be beneficial to re-emphasize the key points made in the body paragraphs. Also, a more definitive stance on which aspect you believe is more important could enhance clarity.
content
Your essay tackles a relevant and interesting topic, showcasing your understanding of both competition and cooperation's roles in childhood development.
content
You presented a good range of ideas, indicating an ability to analyze the topic from different angles, which is commendable.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: