IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

These days, older people who have retired often choose to spend money on themselves rather than save money for their children. Is this a positive or negative development? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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There is no denying the fact that modern life has changed family dynamics in terms of
money
Use synonyms
 spending aspect. Some may
aruge
Correct your spelling
argue
 that retired workers should spend their
money
Use synonyms
 on themselves rather than their kids. From my point of view,
this
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 is a positive development as it
prioritize
Change the verb form
prioritizes
show examples
peronal
Correct your spelling
personal
 enjoyment and
also
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 children's self-independence.
This
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 essay will discuss these reasons in detail with illustrative examples. One notable advantage for older people paying themselves is that it promotes their personal enjoyment.
In other words
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,
while
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 working they gave all
the
Change the word
their
show examples
efforts
Fix the agreement mistake
effort
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 in their jobs to gain
this
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money
Use synonyms
, so it is
the
Correct article usage
apply
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time for
Add an article
a self
the self
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self reward
Add a hyphen
self-reward
show examples
.
For example
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, retired individuals could use
this
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money
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 to open a business line that they have always dreamed of. Ultimately,
this
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 benefit is not only
limit
Wrong verb form
limited
show examples
 to the individuals
,
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apply
show examples
 but
also
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 their families and provides them with a
high-quality
Correct your spelling
high quality
show examples
 of life. Another point,
although
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 it is their responsibility to take care of children,
this
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 action could help in supporting young people to be more self-independent.
For instance
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, nowadays, kids are relying so much on their
partents
Correct your spelling
parents
 in everything, especially
money
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.
Thus
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, growing up dependent could lead to
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
show examples
 of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
understanding of
money
Use synonyms
 value. In conclusion, it is undeniable that parents are responsible for their kids.
However
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, it is unfair to prevent themselves from enjoying their payback and reward their
youngers
Correct your spelling
younger
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. One benefit of spending earned
money
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 is that they get to experience the joyful part of life.
Beside
Replace the word
Besides
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 that, it
also
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help
Change the verb form
helps
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developing
Wrong verb form
develop
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the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 sense of self-independence in their children to be more responsible and careful. All in all,
while
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this
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developement
Correct your spelling
development
 has its drawbacks, I believe the hidden benefits are greater.

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coherence and cohesion
Make sure to provide a clearer structure in your essay, possibly by using linking words such as 'firstly', 'secondly', and 'finally' to help guide the reader through your arguments.
task achievement
Enhance your examples to be more specific or personal, as this can strengthen your main points and connect more with the reader.
language accuracy
Pay attention to spelling errors such as 'aruge' (argue) and 'partents' (parents) as these can affect the overall impression of your writing.
task achievement
You presented a clear viewpoint in your introduction and maintained it throughout the essay, which is a key strength.
task achievement
You provided relevant examples and reasons that support your main argument, demonstrating your understanding of the topic.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • retirement
  • financial independence
  • invest
  • prioritize
  • personal fulfillment
  • family dynamics
  • wellness
  • self-sufficiency
  • financial stability
  • quality of life
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