IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

In some countries, more and more people are hiring a personal fitness trainer, rather than playing sports or doing exercise classes. What are the reason for this? Is this a positive or a negative development?

There is no denying the fact that personal trainers are becoming widely hired in some countries. Some may argue that people tend to prefer having
a special workout classes
Correct the article-noun agreement
a special workout class
special workout classes
show examples
than
Change preposition
to
show examples
 going to the
gym
Use synonyms
, which I believe is a positive development
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 personal and social levels.
This
Linking Words
 essay will discuss the causes behind
this
Linking Words
 trend and provide relevant examples.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, nowadays, our modern life is busy with numerous tasks that
preventing
Wrong verb form
prevent
show examples
individuals
Use synonyms
 from focusing on their health aspect. These tasks include family, job, and friends.
However
Linking Words
, hiring a personal trainer would be beneficial to fit the busy schedule with
exercising
Replace the word
exercise
show examples
 sessions.
For example
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, in my country, big companies are offering
in office
Add a hyphen
in-office
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 training sessions for their employees to ensure their well-being
while
Linking Words
 performing job tasks.
Additionally
Linking Words
, from
financial
Add an article
a financial
show examples
 perspective, employees are not required to pay extra money for transport or membership to be able to exercise.
Therefore
Linking Words
, it is
more
Correct quantifier usage
apply
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preferable to have workout classes at home enabling an extra
mean
Fix the agreement mistake
means
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 for
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
better well-being and quality of life. Another point,
individuals
Use synonyms
 tend to lean on simple and convenient ways for physical movements.
This
Linking Words
 is because joining the
gym
Use synonyms
 may require
certain
Correct article usage
a certain
show examples
time
Use synonyms
, day, and devices that are not,
all
Change preposition
at all
show examples
Use synonyms
time
Fix the agreement mistake
times
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, suitable for some
individuals
Use synonyms
. As a matter of fact, I was a member of the
nine-rouds
Correct your spelling
nine-rounds
 boxing
gym
Use synonyms
,
however
Linking Words
,
becuase
Correct your spelling
because
 of the inconvenient timing for the boxing class, I had to quit as I could not fit it
in
Change preposition
into
show examples
 my
schdule
Correct your spelling
schedule
.
In contrast
Linking Words
, Fitness
Use synonyms
time
Capitalize word
Time
show examples
gym
Use synonyms
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 is offering personal classes which are more
apealing
Correct your spelling
appealing
 and encouraging. In conclusion, it is undeniable that hiring
personal
Correct article usage
a personal
show examples
 trainer is more convenient for
individuals
Use synonyms
 as it fits their busy calendar and
provide
Change the verb form
provides
show examples
 them with the exact need
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 physical exercises.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
although
Linking Words
gym
Use synonyms
 and sports facilities are available, their limitation in
time
Use synonyms
 and date is hindering people's encouragement to continue. I believe that
this
Linking Words
 positive trend will lead to an increase in the community's well-being in the future.

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task achievement
Consider enhancing your thesis statement to clearly indicate both sides of the discussion (why this trend is positive or negative) rather than just stating a preference. This will help to align your task response with the question prompt more effectively.
coherence and cohesion
Try to include linking words and phrases to improve the flow of ideas and ensure smoother transitions between sentences and paragraphs. This will also strengthen coherence.
task achievement
In your examples, aim to provide a bit more context or detail that establishes why personal trainers are a better option than traditional gyms or classes. This will help to support your points more comprehensively.
task achievement
Your choice of examples is relevant and helps illustrate your points well, especially the examples related to workplace training and personal gyms.
coherence and cohesion
Your introduction effectively outlines the main points you will discuss, providing a clear indication of what the essay will cover.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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