IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In some countries the average weight of people is increasing and their levels of health and fitness are decreasing. What do you think are the causes of these problems and what measures could be taken to solve them? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience

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The average
weight
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 of
people
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 and
obesity
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 rate
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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 increasing ,on the other
hands
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hand
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, the level of
sport
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 and training activities with the quality of healthy life is decreasing.
This
Linking Words
 essay will examine the main causes of increasing
weight
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 and possible solutions to
this
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 issue. The high price of training centre courses and the busy lifestyle
lead
Change the verb form
leads
show examples
 to
weight
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 gain and
obesity
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.
Moreover
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, to join a training class with a special trainer needs a monthly budget as the price changes
due to
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 the qualifications and experience of the trainer ,
in addition
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, the cost of the equipment and facility used in the centre leads to fewer
people
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 joining the training program.
Furthermore
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, the full busy schedule with no free
time
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 to walk or do simple exercise leads to
weight
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 gain and
health
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 problems. Nowadays ,
people
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 work in multiple jobs for more than 10 hours to fulfil their needs which leads them to start eating fast food with less
time
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 to do
activity
Fix the agreement mistake
activities
show examples
 or
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sport
Fix the agreement mistake
sports
show examples
. Promoting
awareness
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 in the community about the
health
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 complication that comes with
obesity
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 and less activity
also
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the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
online free
sport
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 training courses could solve
this
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 problem.
Firstly
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 , the
awareness
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campagn
Correct your spelling
campaign
 that targets children and adults focuses on eating habits and the importance of daily training in population
health
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.
For example
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 , Saudi Arabia considers January as the
awareness
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 month for educating
people
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 in schools,malls , and hospitals about
weight
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 control.
Secondly
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, learning
sport
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 through online sites reduces the
time
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 and the cost of the training centre.
For instance
Linking Words
, on Youtube, multiple videos about healthy diets and different coaches with a variety of
excercise
Correct your spelling
exercises
 viewers can watch anytime which helps if they have
a busy schedules
Correct the article-noun agreement
a busy schedule
busy schedules
show examples
 and for free. In conclusion, the
health
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 problems come with
obesity
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 and a decrease in fitness activity increasing by
time
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 ,because of less free
time
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 to do
sport
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 and the high cost of fitness
centers
Change the spelling
centres
show examples
, which is considered a serious complication
could
Correct pronoun usage
that could
show examples
 be solved by raising
awareness
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 in different age groups about it and the online free
health
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traning
Correct your spelling
training
 courses.

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coherence and cohesion
Work on structuring your paragraphs more clearly. Each paragraph should focus on one main idea, supported by examples and explanations. Consider starting each paragraph with a topic sentence that clearly states the main point.
coherence and cohesion
Improve the clarity of your writing by reducing run-on sentences. Break down complex sentences into simpler ones, which can help convey your ideas more effectively.
task achievement
Ensure that your spelling and grammar are accurate as small errors can distract from the overall argument. Proofreading for errors before the final draft would be beneficial.
task achievement
You have addressed the prompt by discussing the causes and solutions to the issues of increasing weight and decreasing fitness levels, which is a strong start.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • sedentary
  • obesity
  • overweight
  • physical activity
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • exercise
  • unhealthy diet
  • fast food
  • urbanization
  • modernization
  • stress
  • awareness
  • education
  • government intervention
  • policies
  • promotion
  • sports
  • fitness programs
  • health education
  • taxation
  • public transportation
  • infrastructure
  • parks
  • recreational spaces
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