IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think young people are not suitable for important positions in the government，while other people think it is a good idea for young people to take on these positions. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

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A
country
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 cannot run without important positions like cabinet rank
offficers
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officers
, defence officials, judicial officials, police
officers
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 and many more. These positions play a vital role in
development
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the development
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 of a peaceful
country
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 and
officers
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 of every
country
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 do their job very well. In every
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country
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country,
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 there are numbers of
officers
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 serving for their
country
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 of different age groups but we divide them
in
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into
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 two groups
of
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apply
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young
officers
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 and aged
officers
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, both of them have merit and
de-merits
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demerits
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. When we talk about experience for sure aged
officers
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 will be in our mind. They had served their nation for quite
long
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a long
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 which means they had been through a lot of ups and downs.
Whereas
Linking Words
, young
ones
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 are fresher so they could face a lack of experience in tough situations but the energy and dedication to achieve goals could be a lot more in youngsters. We can say
combination
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the combination
a combination
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 of both
officers
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 is best for a nation. Now
according to
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me
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me,
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 young
ones
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 will be
the
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apply
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better than
aged
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older
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ones
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. They have to go
long
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a long
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 way, as being fresher and newcomers they will be more dedicated to their job and will look after
for
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apply
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every small thing. Young
ones
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 have advanced
idea
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ideas
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 and
technique
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techniques
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 to solve any problem, they are familiar with
latest
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the latest
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 technologies and can operate easily.
Fitness
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The fitness
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 level of young
ones
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is
Change the verb form
also works
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also
Linking Words
 work as a tool for them. Every officer
which
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 is serving their nation is doing a great job and we have to be thankful to them for living an easy and peaceful life

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coherence and cohesion
The introduction could be clearer by directly stating the discussion of both views and your opinion more explicitly. Consider rephrasing it to present a more structured outline of the essay.
coherence and cohesion
In your conclusion, reiterating your main points and clearly stating your opinion again will strengthen your argument and make your conclusion more impactful.
task achievement
Incorporate specific examples or scenarios where young government officials have made a positive impact, as this would enhance your argument and provide clarity to your ideas.
task achievement
While you mention strengths of both young and older officers, the comparison could be elaborated further to show how this combination could benefit governance.
task achievement
Good effort in providing a balanced view by mentioning both young and older officials.
task achievement
Clear expression of opinion in favor of young individuals which gives a personal touch to the essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • perspective
  • innovative
  • progressive
  • issues
  • technological advancements
  • decision-making
  • stability
  • wealth of knowledge
  • experience
  • leadership roles
  • policy implementation
  • maturity
  • political landscape
  • navigating challenges
  • diverse situations
  • critics
What to do next:
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