IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people believe that women should be able to join their country’s army and police forces, but others disagree. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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In the current world, gender equality is one of the most sensitive concerns in
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society, whether
women
Use synonyms
 should have
right
Correct article usage
the right
show examples
 to perform
task
Fix the agreement mistake
tasks
show examples
 or work like men.
Women
Use synonyms
 serving
for
Change preposition
in
show examples
Use synonyms
army
Correct article usage
the army
show examples
 and
police
Use synonyms
 is
also
Linking Words
 a critical argument, whether they should have
Correct article usage
the rights
show examples
rights
Fix the agreement mistake
right
show examples
 to serve those jobs or not. Some people agree, but a lot of them seem to reject it.
This
Linking Words
 essay will discuss both views and give my own opinion. On one hand, a lot of people encourage the government to promote gender equality. They aimed to support freedom of expression and interest for
women
Use synonyms
 to choose their jobs. Meanwhile, a lot of people stated that
women
Use synonyms
 can
also
Linking Words
 perform
high ability
Add a hyphen
high-ability
show examples
task
Fix the agreement mistake
tasks
show examples
 if they are trained well enough. In fact, they do not have to always be on the battlefield but rather work as
back
Add an article
a back
the back
show examples
 office for military or
police
Use synonyms
 organizations would
also
Linking Words
 be possible. Being employed
as
Change preposition
in
show examples
an
Correct article usage
the
show examples
army
Use synonyms
 or
police
Use synonyms
 could be an alternative career for
women
Use synonyms
,
which
Correct word choice
and
show examples
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
also
Linking Words
 have
right
Correct article usage
the right
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 to earn benefits and welfare from being part of the government
sectors
Fix the agreement mistake
sector
show examples
.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, some viewers thought that
women
Use synonyms
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
lack
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
strength and endurance, which
is
Verb problem
makes it
show examples
 difficult for them to perform risky
mission
Fix the agreement mistake
missions
show examples
.
For example
Linking Words
, they would not be
active
Rephrase
as active
show examples
 as men
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 the battlefield, or their
decision making
Add a hyphen
decision-making
show examples
 in a critical situation would not be
effective
Rephrase
as effective
show examples
 as it should be.
Also
Linking Words
, having
women
Use synonyms
represents
Wrong verb form
represented
show examples
 as soldiers or cops would symbolize weakness in the military authorization.
For example
Linking Words
, when the press releases the image of
women
Use synonyms
 soldiers in the media, some social hoppers might comment that
this
Linking Words
 country’s
army
Use synonyms
 is not reliable and not effective, as they are stuck with the old perception that soldiers should be
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
strong
man
Fix the agreement mistake
men
show examples
. In conclusion, in
todat’s
Correct your spelling
today’s
 era, gender equality should be open for freedom, having
women
Use synonyms
’s right to join the
army
Use synonyms
 or
police
Use synonyms
 forces upon their decision.

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task achievement
Consider improving the clarity of your arguments by using more precise language and examples.
task achievement
Ensure to elaborate on your main points, especially with relevant examples, to strengthen your arguments.
coherence and cohesion
Work on improving the transitions between paragraphs to ensure a smoother flow of ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure to check your grammar, punctuation, and spelling to enhance the overall quality of the essay.
content
You have presented both views effectively and expressed your opinion clearly.
coherence and cohesion
Your introduction sets the stage for the discussion well, outlining the topic and your intention to explore both sides.

Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

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