IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some children spend every day on their smartphones. Why is this case ? Do you think is a positive or a negative development?

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Nowadays,
children
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 spend more and more
time
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 using
smartphones
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. Because parents,
instead
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 of raising their
children
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 themselves, prefer to leave
this
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 matter to new technologies,
that is
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,
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apply
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smartphones
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.
Although
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 gadgets give us a lot of information and opportunities, I think that
smartphones
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 are very harmful to
children
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's health.
As
Correct word choice
Children
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children
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 are becoming addicted to
smartphones
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day
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 by
day
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, which is causing them to have poor eyesight and poor moral development. Since the invention of gadgets, people have been using them more and more every
day
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. Some gadgets can help
children
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 gain new knowledge, meet and communicate with new friends, and learn online through websites.
For example
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, thanks to their
smartphones
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, they can communicate with their parents, search for new information, and learn something new from applications.
As a result
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, the positive impact of
children
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 using
smartphones
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 is their education through new technologies.
On the other hand
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,
children
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 using phones for a long
time
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 is very harmful to their health.
This
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 implies that
children
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 shouldn’t be playing and looking at their phones all
day
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, which leads to
deterioration
Correct article usage
the deterioration
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 of their eyesight. In the same way,
children
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 can spoil their moral development. Because they may become more stressful and
nervously
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nervous
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.
Therefore
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,
children
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 should be restricted from using phones for a certain period of
time
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.
To sum up
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, using
smartphones
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 by
children
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 should be limited to a certain period of
time
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. In
such
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 cases, they are considered beneficial for
children
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 and their education.
However
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, if
children
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 become addicted to
smartphones
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, it will lead to
deterioration
Correct article usage
the deterioration
show examples
 of their physical and mental health.

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task achievement
Consider expanding on your ideas with more specific examples and details. For instance, you could elaborate on how smartphones can improve children's education through specific applications or online resources.
coherence and cohesion
Try to improve transitions between ideas within and between paragraphs to enhance the flow of your essay. Consider using linking words or phrases to connect your arguments more clearly.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure to avoid minor grammatical errors and awkward phrasing, such as 'children shouldn’t be playing and looking at their phones all day.' Rephrasing this for clarity could strengthen your argument.
task achievement
You provide a balanced view by discussing both the positive and negative aspects of smartphone usage among children, which is commendable.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, making it easy to follow.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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