IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

In many countries, shopping is becoming a free-time activity that replaces traditional hobbies, such as reading and sport What are the reasons for this? Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

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In various countries,
people
Use synonyms
 prefer to
do
Correct your spelling
go
show examples
 shopping during
a
Correct pronoun usage
their a
show examples
free-time
Correct your spelling
time
show examples
 rather than doing conventional hobbies
such
Linking Words
 as reading and
sport
Fix the agreement mistake
sports
show examples
. I would argue that
this
Linking Words
 is a negative development because of several reasons that I’d like to discuss in
this
Linking Words
 essay. The main reasons for the rising trend of shopping are the ease of access
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 online shopping and social media influence on creating impulsivity. As technology advances,
people
Use synonyms
 are moving their conventional ways of shopping from online,
through
Change preposition
to
show examples
 a more convenient way
such
Linking Words
 as e-commerce where it can be accessed by phone.
Moreover
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 advancement
provides
Verb problem
allows
show examples
 a brand to create digital ads through social media, where it can attract
people
Use synonyms
 to shop more like offering big promo
for instance
Linking Words
.
Although
Linking Words
 some
people
Use synonyms
 may argue that doing more shopping means we are supporting the business for the economy, I believe it sets more drawbacks rather than
benefit
Correct subject-verb agreement
benefits
show examples
. Encouraging shopping means
people
Use synonyms
 have to buy more than what’s needed, which can result in overconsumption.
Moreover
Linking Words
, excessive purchase of goods can harm the environment by adding textile or packaging waste
for instance
Linking Words
 that will end up in the landfill.
In contrast
Linking Words
, conventional hobbies
such
Linking Words
 as sports and reading offer a better impact
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
 health and personal growth rather than shopping. In conclusion, as shopping is becoming more common, it sets some downsides that can be harmful to a personal life. I firmly believe that
by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
replacing healthier hobbies
such
Linking Words
 as
sport
Fix the agreement mistake
sports
show examples
 with shopping can lead to a negative impact on an individual.

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task achievement
Expand on your points with more detailed explanations and examples to strengthen your argument.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure that your ideas flow logically from one to the next by using linking phrases or cohesive devices. This will help enhance the coherence of your essay.
coherence and cohesion
Consider rephrasing certain sentences for clarity and grammatical accuracy. For example, 'the ease of access for online shopping' could be simplified to 'the convenience of online shopping.'
task achievement
You present a clear opinion on the topic, which is important for the task.
coherence and cohesion
Your conclusion effectively summarizes your stance on the issue, reinforcing your main argument.

Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

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