IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

A government has a responsibility to its citizens to ensure their safety. Therefore, some people think that the government should increase spending on defence but spend less on social benefits. To what extent do you agree? Essay Outline

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Regulatory
Add an article
The regulatory
show examples
 body has the role of taking care
for
Change preposition
of
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 the safety of
it's
Replace the word
its
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people
Use synonyms
.
Thus
Linking Words
, some folks say more money should
be spend
Change the verb form
be spent
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 on defence rather than on social benefits for individuals. I completely disagree with the given norm, as investment done on required sources
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
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 a vital option rather than
contibuting
Correct your spelling
contributing
 more in one and less in other.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, any authority is selected based on the prospects it will bring
to
Change preposition
apply
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not
to
Rephrase
only to
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 the community but,
on
Change preposition
to
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 the whole country. Looking at present needs and lack of
the
Correct article usage
apply
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resources is a better option as it can help diminish the strike for diseases.
For example
Linking Words
, some nations in Asian counterparts lack hospital services and healthcare education. If they are offered
with
Change preposition
apply
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education
as well as
Linking Words
 resources for medical clinics they will fight themselves against common health problems. So, it is important that spending is done
according to
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 the situation
on
Change preposition
in
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 a particular area
wise
Correct word choice
apply
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. Moving
further
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, dental treatment is so expensive that common living
people
Use synonyms
 cannot afford it as the inflation goes up but, their wages are still constant. Offering free dental
service
Fix the agreement mistake
services
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 for citizens will help
people
Use synonyms
 cure their
teeths
Correct your spelling
teeth
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 and lead a happy life.
For instance
Linking Words
, in Canada dental care is done free of cost
but
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
, by giving complementary services
help
Correct subject-verb agreement
helps
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nation
Correct article usage
the nation
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 grow and take care
for
Change preposition
of
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their
Correct pronoun usage
its
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 body as well.
Thus
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 type of
spenditure
Correct your spelling
spending
 by authorities will ensure
safety
Add an article
the safety
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 of it's nation. In conclusion, rather than emphasizing
majority
Correct article usage
the majority
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 of
investment
Add a comma
investment,
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 it is far better than it is done on healthcare and education because
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
peny
Correct your spelling
penny
 spent on dental or hospitals will help
people
Use synonyms
 cover from illness and on studies will contribute to the
overall
Linking Words
 development of a territory.

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Task Response
Clarify your thesis statement. Ensure it clearly presents your main argument and outlines the points you will discuss. This will help frame your essay better for the reader.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure smooth transitions between paragraphs and within paragraphs to improve flow. Using linking words (e.g. 'furthermore', 'however') can help connect your ideas.
Task Response
Provide clearer explanations of your examples and how they support your main argument. This will strengthen your overall argument and make it more persuasive.
Coherence and Cohesion
Review your grammar and vocabulary usage independently, as there are several inaccuracies that affect clarity, such as 'it's' instead of 'its'. Aim for more precise language.
Task Response
Your essay addresses an important and relevant topic, which is a good starting point for engaging the reader.
Task Response
You provided specific examples from different countries, which helps support your argument and show different perspectives.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • defence spending
  • social benefits
  • national security
  • economic growth
  • infrastructure development
  • job creation
  • external threats
  • military presence
  • quality of life
  • social unrest
  • healthcare
  • education
  • housing
  • populace
  • crime rates
  • stability
  • harmony
  • prioritize
  • obligation
  • well-being
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