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Band 4.5

Q. In some parts of the world traditional festivals and celebrations have disappeared or are disappearing. What problems is this causing? What measures could be taken to counter this situation?

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Today, most countries are facing
with
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apply
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the dissipation of
the
Correct article usage
apply
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traditional festivals and holidays and it is becoming worse. It may cause for
disappearing
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disappearance
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 of
the
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apply
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certain regions and
the
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apply
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religions. To solve
this
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 issue, governments should set new trends among
young
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the young
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 generation like wearing traditional clothes once or twice a week in schools and kindergartens,
beside of
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besides
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 that, they need to inform youngsters in
early
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their early
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 years by introducing new subjects about traditions.
To begin
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 with the problems of
this
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 negative tendency, the intense speed of globalization and urbanization
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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 the main factors for
this
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 trend.
Thus
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, it leads to
disappear
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the disappearance
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 of some traditional events as people always try to keep pace with new trends
while
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 regretting their own ancient celebrations.
For example
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, our national festival "NAVRUZ" which we celebrate
it
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apply
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widely
in
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on
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 21st March, unfortunately
it
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apply
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has been disappearing year by year
due to
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luck
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lack
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 of given focus on it by country.
However
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, about 5 or 6 years ago people used to celebrate "NAVRUZ"
in
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apply
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all around
the
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Uzbekistan by making traditional foods and organizing festivals.
For avoiding
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To avoid
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 these problems authorities need to direct their focus toward
to enhance
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enhancing
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 new methods in schools and
apply
Wrong verb form
applying
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 special subjects as it can increase the
interests
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interest
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 of pupils
about
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in
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 traditions.
It is clear that
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 young people tend to be more creative, so ministers should approach
this
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 issue by instilling intriguing methods like setting traditional clothes as the uniform during particular days or special events. Take
an
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the
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 example of the year 2014 in my country. Wearing
national
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a national
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 jacket and hat was
trending
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a trending
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 style across the state and it really influenced all the
generation
Fix the agreement mistake
generations
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 from kids to seniors. In conclusion, in some areas of the world traditional and regional festivals,
it
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apply
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can cause some issues like
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the disappearing
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disappearing
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disappearance
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 of the whole nation or region. Governments should enhance new methods in just kindergartens like new subjects and trends.

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coherence and cohesion
Ensure that every point in your introduction is clearly linked to the body paragraphs. For example, after mentioning the problems, explicitly state how each proposed solution addresses these problems.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure to maintain a consistent perspective; occasionally switching between worldwide issues and your personal experiences can make the argument harder to follow.
task achievement
Try to give more detailed explanations and contexts for your examples so they are easily understood and connected to the main arguments you are presenting.
task achievement
You made a good attempt to introduce both problems and solutions, which is essential for task achievement.
task achievement
Your personal example of "NAVRUZ" provided a relevant cultural reference that demonstrated your understanding of the topic.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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