IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

The media pays too much attention to the lives and relationships of celebrities such as actors, singers, or footballers. They should spend more time reporting the lives of ordinary people instead. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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With the exponential growth of social media platforms, many people argue that social platforms are too focused on the
lives
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 and relationships of famous figures
such
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 as artists and athletes.
Instead
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, they should divert
this
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attention
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 to the
lives
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 of common people. From my perspective, I agree with
this
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 statement, and the following essay is going to support my claim. There are several disadvantages to paying too much
attention
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 to celebrities’ activities. Most notably, famous figures’ privacy is violated. Famous figures and celebrities are
also
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 human beings, so they
also
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 need to complete their daily tasks and satisfy their needs.
However
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, in order to provide audiences with sensational headlines, paparazzi and journalists may spy on their schedules and try to get a picture or do an interview, causing dissatisfaction, which sometimes can escalate to violence. Tobey Maguire,
for instance
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, was observed shouting at a photographer after the latter stopped him as he was attempting to take a picture on the street.
While
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 common citizens may not encounter
such
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 problems, Tobey was angered, and
this
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 experience increased his predisposition against the press on privacy issues.
On the other hand
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, diverting
attention
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 to common people’s
lives
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 could bring about some benefits, namely raising awareness about adversities in life. Even though our society is developing at a blooming rate, there are still a lot of individuals struggling just to afford their basic necessities.
Thus
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, by concentrating their efforts on broadcasting these aspects, online platforms can attract the
attention
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 of society and help society have a clear perspective on underdeveloped regions.
For instance
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, many interviews have been conducted to raise awareness about the horrible living standards in some parts of Hanoi.
As a result
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, citizens have a better view of underprivileged
lives
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 and are
also
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 attracting funds and aid from charity workers to improve their situations. In conclusion, social media should decrease the focus on celebrities’ activities
due to
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 the intrusion of privacy
while
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also
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 increasing their effort to broadcast about the
lives
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 of common citizens to unveil the hardships that some of them have to endure.

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Task Achievement
Ensure a clear and strong thesis statement early on, as it helps to immediately clarify your stance on the topic.
Task Achievement
Try to expand on some ideas further, providing more details or insights to deepen the argument.
Coherence and Cohesion
Make sure each paragraph has a clear main idea that ties back to your thesis, enhancing the logical flow of the essay.
Coherence and Cohesion
Consider using a greater variety of linking words to improve the flow between ideas, making transitions smoother.
Task Achievement
You present a well-developed argument with a clear stance on the issue, showcasing your critical thinking and engagement with the topic.
Task Achievement
Your use of specific examples, such as the case of Tobey Maguire, effectively illustrates your points and adds depth to the argument.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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