IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people think that the increase in the number of obese people should be the responsibility of the governments, while others think it should be the responsibility of the individuals.Discuss both sides and give your opinion.

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In today's
society
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society,
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 overconsumption has moved to a different level by being a part of all our daily tasks, even eating or drinking.
Due to
Linking Words
 that, the obesity rate in the world has steadily increased over the past decade. The victims of
this
Linking Words
 disorder are often blamed for it and have experienced extreme bullying,
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however
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however,
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 some people believe, that the problem is not that person, but the
government
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, which
regulated
Wrong verb form
regulates
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 the
food
Use synonyms
 industry in the country and
it’s
Correct your spelling
its
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 harmful activities.In today’s essay, I will discuss the arguments,
which
Correct word choice
that
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 both sides believe in and state my opinion on
this
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 topic. To start it all, we need to understand the mind of an individual
Linking Words
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
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 is struggling with obesity. In most cases, those people over a long period of time developed an unhealthy relationship with the
food
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, which is a sign of many other mental problems, rotted in family, relationships and environment. The unhealthy eating habits didn’t come in one day and obesity as a disorder wasn't chosen purposefully by those
individuals
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, rather it was something that could have been regulated much faster
,
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apply
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 but got out of that person's hands. The
government
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's fault in those situations comes when the
food
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, which contains many chemicals, calories, sugars and other preservatives
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
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in
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within
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 the reach of hand for everyone, who may or may not struggle with eating
healthy
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healthily
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. As many
had
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have
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 pointed out, those healthy eating habits
starts
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start
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 to develop in our childhood and all of the unhealthy ingredients contained in
for example
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kids
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kids'
kid's
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 advertised cereals, cause those young
individuals
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 to get ,
,
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apply
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addicted,
,
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apply
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 to sugar from a very early age. In defence
to
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of
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 governments, the variety of
food
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 that
helds
Correct your spelling
helps
holds
 the economy, limiting the
food
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 industry may seem to some
individuals
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 as a limitation of civil rights or
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government's
Correct article usage
the government's
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 involvement in more than it should be involved.
Linking Words
Also
Add a comma
Also,
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 the
food
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 market is too big for it to be regulated as fast as we want. If I needed to give an example of
the
Correct article usage
apply
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reasonable
food
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 regulation, I think that
the
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apply
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Europe has a massive difference from the USA in the quality of
food
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.
While
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 in
USA
Correct article usage
the USA
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these
Correct your spelling
there
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 a bigger variety of all sorts of unhealthy snacks and sweets in Europe a lot of the ingredients in them are actually banned and they cannot be sold.Now let’s see it from a different point of view, most of those
individuals
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 are not trying to get the help that they need, supporting the
government
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 by overconsuming even more.
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However
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However,
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 I do think that it is the
government
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's responsibility to regulate all the publicly available
food
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 products in the country and to not put blame on those
individuals
Use synonyms
, as they may struggle more than we can ever imagine, both mentally and physically.

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task response
The introduction effectively sets up the topic and the writer's intention to discuss both sides, but it could be clearer by precisely outlining the main points that will be discussed in the body. Consider adding a brief overview of the arguments from both perspectives for more clarity.
coherence and cohesion
In the body paragraphs, ensure that each paragraph clearly links to one main idea and follows a logical progression. The transition from discussing individual responsibility back to governmental responsibility could be smoother for better coherence.
task response
Use more specific examples to support your points. Although you mention children’s cereals as an example of unhealthy food marketing, adding more concrete statistics or case studies could strengthen your argument.
task response
The essay demonstrates a clear understanding of the topic, discussing the perspectives of both individuals and the government effectively, which is a strong aspect of task achievement.
coherence and cohesion
The use of a structured approach with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion provides a solid framework for the essay, making it easier for the reader to follow your argument.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • obesity
  • responsibility
  • government intervention
  • public health
  • individual choices
  • lifestyle habits
  • health education
  • food environment
  • socioeconomic factors
  • nutrition awareness
  • unhealthy eating
  • caloric intake
  • dietary guidelines
  • personal accountability
  • cultural influences
  • advertising impact
  • community resources
What to do next:
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