IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people think that having a set retirement age (e.g. 65 years) for everybody, regardless of occupation, is unfair. They believe that certain workers deserve to retire and receive a pension at an earlier age. Do you agree or disagree? Which types of workers do you think should benefit from early retirement?

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A group of individuals think that the predecided
retirement
Use synonyms
age
Use synonyms
 is not fair for everybody regardless of job occupation.
However
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, it is believed that type of workers should get a chance to retire earlier and start getting pensions. I firmly disagree with the stance to a certain extent. My viewpoint is justified in the ensuing paragraphs with an answer from a group of worker who deserve
retirement
Use synonyms
 at an early stage of their lives. There are various reasons to support my disagreement, the foremost one is, that if workers stop working at an early life ,
this
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 will have a high impact on their mental health. To explain, as they will be jobless at an early stage of their lives, they will start facing anxiety and depression problems
due to
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 not having any work to focus on.
Additionally
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, they will start feeling lethargic about doing any physical activities which ultimately leads to welcoming various dangerous issues.
Furthermore
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, not only it affects physical and mental abilities but
also
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 finances.
For instance
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, as they are totally dependent on the
pension
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 they receive, if they have a medical emergency that cannot be covered by
pension
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 amount
then
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 they have to borrow a higher amount of loan from the bank or financial institution. Eventually, it will impact the financial stability of that person.
For example
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, if a person is retired at
age
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 55, they
got
Wrong verb form
get
show examples
emergency
Add an article
an emergency
show examples
 situation for liver treatment at the youth of 60 which costs 3,00,000 dollars.
however
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, the
pension
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 saved is only 1,00,500 dollars, in
this
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 situation the difference amount is the burden to settle down for the coverage of treatment. Despite
this
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, it can be great for a group of worker working in military sectors who are constantly working hard at a young
age
Use synonyms
 for the country without being connected to their families for a long period of time. I think that those job takers should be granted an early stage
retirement
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 and benefits of
pension
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 so that they can stay with their wives and children for the rest of their lives and make long-lasting memories with a deeper understanding of family bonds as a priority after serving the country.
To conclude
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, many people give the opinion that there should not be an
age
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 limit for
retirement
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. they think that workers must be granted early time off from work permanently. But I think it is not mandatory to do so to a great extent and is limited for some sectors of the work market.

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task response
The introduction could be clearer. Make sure to explicitly state your position and outline the main points that will be discussed.
coherence and cohesion
The essay lacks clear topic sentences for some paragraphs, which can help guide the reader through your arguments more effectively.
coherence and cohesion
Strengthen your conclusion by summarizing your main argument and reinforcing your overall stance clearly. This will provide a stronger closure to your essay.
task achievement
You have demonstrated the ability to present arguments and support them with relevant examples, especially concerning the financial implications of early retirement.
task achievement
Your essay addresses the prompt and provides a reasonable discussion of both sides of the argument, reflecting a balanced approach.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • retirement age
  • pension
  • unfair
  • occupational hazards
  • early retirement
  • physically demanding jobs
  • mental health
  • burnout
  • job-related stress
  • flexible retirement
  • health risks
  • workplace adaptation
  • career satisfaction
  • work-life balance
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