IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Employers sometimes ask people applying for jobs for personal information, such as their hobbies and interests, and wether they are married or single some people say that this information may be relavant and useful.Others disagree. Discuss both these views and give your openion.

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In today’s rapidly changing world, the practice of
employers
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 asking for personal
information
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 during job applications has become a subject of heated debate.
While
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 some people argue that
details
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such
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 as hobbies, interests, and marital status may be relevant and useful for assessing a
candidate
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's fit within a company, others contend that
such
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information
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 is intrusive and should not influence hiring decisions. I firmly believe that
while
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 some personal
details
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 can provide insights into a
candidate
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's personality,
employers
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 should be cautious about overstepping privacy boundaries because of the risk of bias and the potential for discrimination. One significant reason supporting
this
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 view is that understanding a
candidate
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’s interests and hobbies can help
employers
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 gauge soft skills and cultural compatibility.
This
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 is primarily because personal interests can reveal aspects of creativity, teamwork, and stress management that are not always evident
from
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in
show examples
 a resume.
For instance
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, a
candidate
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 who actively participates in team sports may demonstrate strong teamwork and communication skills, which are valuable in collaborative work environments.
Thus
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,
this
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 factor clearly demonstrates the need for some level of personal
information
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 to help
employers
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 make informed decisions about cultural fit. Another important aspect to consider is the risk of discrimination and invasion of privacy that comes with probing into personal
details
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such
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 as marital status.
This
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 factor is crucial because
such
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information
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,
while
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 possibly useful in understanding a
candidate
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's background, can lead to unfair treatment or bias in the recruitment process.
For example
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, candidates might be judged on assumptions about their availability or commitment based solely on their marital status, which could result in discriminatory practices.
Consequently
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,
this
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further
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 emphasizes the complexity of the issue and suggests that
employers
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 should limit their inquiries to
information
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 directly relevant to job performance. In summary,
while
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 the inclusion of certain personal
details
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 can offer additional insights into a
candidate
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’s soft skills and potential cultural fit, the direct benefits of
such
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information
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 must be balanced against the risk of bias and discrimination.
This
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 leads to the conclusion that
employers
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 should focus primarily on professional qualifications and limit personal questions to avoid infringing on privacy rights.
Therefore
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, addressing
this
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 issue effectively could have profound benefits for creating a fair and merit-based hiring process.

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Task Achievement
Your essay generally provides a clear response to the task and discusses both views effectively. However, consider elaborating further on specific examples to strengthen your arguments.
Coherence and Cohesion
The overall structure of your essay is logical, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. To improve coherence, try adding more transitional phrases between ideas and paragraphs to enhance flow.
Coherence and Cohesion
You have presented a well-structured argument with a clear introduction and conclusion, effectively summarizing your perspective.
Task Achievement
Your discussion of both views is balanced and allows the reader to understand the complexity of the issue at hand.
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