IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people believe that friends have a bigger impact on young people while others think parents and teachers influence them more. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
The debate over whether young adults are highly influenced by
parents
Use synonyms
, teachers or from their peers, has sparked a considerable discussion. Both viewpoints have valid supportive ideas.
Therefore
Linking Words
, it is essential to assess the arguments from both
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
perspectives before forming an opinion. On the one hand, proponents who consider that children
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
predominantly follow their
parents
Use synonyms
 or teachers often argue that they are
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 first
educator
Fix the agreement mistake
educators
show examples
 of children,
provides
Correct subject-verb agreement
provide
show examples
 formal and informal
knowlede
Correct your spelling
knowledge
 to them,
skills
Correct word choice
and skills
show examples
such
Linking Words
 as civil responsibilities, social norms or aesthetic values are integrated in youth, primarily, by them.
Moreover
Linking Words
, children spend their most of time with
Use synonyms
parents
Correct pronoun usage
their parents
show examples
, they observe their responsibilities subjected to house,
community
Correct word choice
and community
show examples
at
Change preposition
on
show examples
 a regular
based
Correct your spelling
basis
show examples
, which
therefore
Linking Words
, develops a sense of imitation in them, which will they mimic  in their future to become well-rounded citizens.
For example
Linking Words
, a survey has been conducted in one of the international universities
last
Linking Words
 year, depicted that approximately 80% of youngsters adopt the footsteps of their
parents
Use synonyms
. On the other side of the spectrum, others usually believe that friends are
primary
Correct article usage
the primary
show examples
 and major influencers of teenagers.
This
Linking Words
 is because, unlike
parents
Use synonyms
, they provide real meaning of companionship and joy, which is vital for their psychological well-being and their friendships are based on mutual interest, shared values and deep connections that not only enhance their personal growth but
also
Linking Words
caters
Correct subject-verb agreement
cater
show examples
 profound knowledge about the diverse backgrounds, which ultimately demolish the feeling of disharmony among youth. Discussing
further
Linking Words
, it is pertinent to mention that resemblance in the way of thinking in
children’s
Change noun form
children
show examples
due to
Linking Words
 age mates is the key reason behind their considerable influence
the
Change preposition
on the
show examples
 way of living life, familial
backgrouds
Correct your spelling
backgrounds
, and their habits influences
alot
Correct your spelling
a lot
. Ultimately, after a comprehensive analysis of both views, it is my firm belief that
although
Linking Words
 allies have
their
Change the word
a
show examples
 deep impact on youth owning to same age.
Nevertheless
Linking Words
,
place
Correct article usage
the place
show examples
 of
parents
Use synonyms
 and mentors as
their
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
role-
model
Fix the agreement mistake
models
show examples
 can not be
replacable
Correct your spelling
replaceable
.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence and cohesion
Improve clarity by enhancing the logical flow between ideas, and ensure each point directly supports the thesis. Consider transitioning phrases to guide the reader more effectively.
task achievement
Include more specific examples from the real world, or studies to substantiate claims made. This supports the argument more robustly.
language accuracy
Correct minor grammatical issues, such as subject-verb agreement and incorrect word forms ('knowlede' should be 'knowledge', 'replacable' should be 'irreplaceable').
task achievement
You have presented a balanced discussion of both views, which is a strong aspect of your essay.
coherence and cohesion
The introduction is clear and sets up the discussion well, effectively outlining the topic.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: