IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

All high school students should be encouraged to take part in community service programmes. To what extent do you agree or disagree with the statement

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Society plays an important role in everyone’s life and social
work
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 has become an international topic for various debates and discussions. A substantial proportion of individuals consider that teenagers should participate in social welfare programmes. The aim of the following essay is to agree with the given notion. The reasons and justifications for my stand are articulated in the forthcoming paragraphs.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, there are a few reasons behind my view on
this
Linking Words
 topic. First of all, the most significant reason to consider is
personal
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the personal
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development
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 of children.
This
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development
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 can be named in the form of leadership, punctuality, teamwork,
self awareness
Add a hyphen
self-awareness
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, communication and
list goes
Verb problem
so
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 on. During the
work
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, it creates a sense of responsibility in them, and they can understand and feel the needs and challenges of others. Resulting in
,
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apply
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shapes
Wrong verb form
shaping
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 their personality to troubleshoot
the
Correct article usage
apply
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social problems to make
community
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the community
a community
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 stronger and
independent
Correct quantifier usage
more independent
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.
Overall
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,
this
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 can lead to the growth of high school kids.
In addition
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to
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apply
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, personal
development
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 is not only the one benefit associated with
the
Correct article usage
apply
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community services, but it would
also
Linking Words
 be advantageous for society as well. To elaborate, some public places do not have volunteers to take care of it, in
such
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 if students take part in
the
Correct article usage
apply
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unpaid
work
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, it will make the environment better. To exemplify One
schools
Change to a singular noun
school
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 in
UK
Correct article usage
the UK
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comes
Verb problem
has
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 with
initiative
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an initiative
the initiative
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 to plant more and more trees in the city, which led to
better
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a better
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 quality of air in the town. To recapitulate, based on the facts and figures presented in the paragraphs, the concept of volunteering is benevolent for
the
Correct article usage
apply
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personal
as well as
Linking Words
 community
development
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.
Therefore
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, in my
opinion
Add a comma
opinion,
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 engaging
student
Fix the agreement mistake
students
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 in
volunteering
Replace the word
volunteer
show examples
work
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 should be a priority

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task achievement
Make sure to include more specific examples to support your points. In your second body paragraph, the example provided could be clearer and more detailed.
coherence and cohesion
When discussing ideas, try to ensure that each paragraph flows logically from one to the next. You may want to use more linking words to improve cohesion.
coherence and cohesion
Your introduction clearly states your position and outlines the structure of your essay nicely, setting clear expectations for the reader.
task achievement
You presented relevant ideas about personal development and societal benefits of community service, which are valuable points for the discussion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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