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Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Some People prefer to provide help and support to those in the local community who need it. Others, however, prefer to give money to national and international charitable organizations. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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It has been argued that
people
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 are required to help their surrounding community rather than donate to more general charity corporations.
While
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 I believe those organizations are able to spend that voluntary income much better, I partially oppose the idea. I think that closer and local
charities
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 are far more trustworthy than the ones across the globe. On one hand, it is more reliable to donate to an institution that has less experience in the matter. Most
charities
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 inside a community are small in size resulting in fewer professional
people
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 and fewer connections in the field.
Furthermore
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 having the profession prevents unnecessary expenses and prioritizes
people
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 who are more in need of that funding.
For instance
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, most
charities
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 inside Farmaniyeh District, where I live, spend the fortune given to them mostly on the construction of religious places ending up helping fewer
people
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 who are in need.
Instead
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,
this
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 money can be given to the United Nation-certified institutions.
On the other hand
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, there are too many untrustable corporations on that large scale. Not only it is more convenient the identify a reliable nearby and small establishment, but
also
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 it is easier to transact the funds to them without getting scammed in the middle of the way.
In addition
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, most international and national establishments may support teams that might run other operations, which might not be so charitable, parallel to their kind works and if you want to make sure that your money will be used for a good cause, you would prefer to use local corps.
For example
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, research conducted by Harvard University shows that almost 20 per cent of charitable funding goes to groups with terrorist connections in Africa and, another study conducted by the World Health Organisation points out that half of the ads relating to nourishment
charities
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 are in fact scams and they are
also
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 really profitable in the subject. In conclusion, it can be more suitable to donate to the big institutes for charity work.
However
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, giving
this
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 money to local organizations may prevent scams.

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Task Achievement
Try to provide a more balanced view by giving equal weight to both sides of the argument. Although you present arguments for both perspectives, your opinion heavily leans towards local charities throughout the essay. Expand on the strengths of national and international organizations to enhance balance in your discussion.
Coherence and Cohesion
Make sure your paragraphs have clear topic sentences to guide the reader through your ideas and enhance the logical flow of your essay. You might consider adding more transitions between sentences for better coherence.
Task Achievement
While you have provided some examples, they could be more specific and detailed. Providing more quantitative or qualitative evidence would make your argument stronger and more persuasive.
Task Achievement
You have presented a clear opinion on the issue and provided reasoning to support it, which shows your engagement with the topic.
Task Achievement
Your use of examples from personal experience and academic research strengthens your argument and shows your ability to introduce relevant information.
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