IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Nowadays technology is increasingly being used to monitor what people are saying and doing (for example, through cellphone tracking and security cameras. In many cases, the people being monitored are unaware that this is happening. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?

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The growth of the technology industry has, without doubt, developed the number and the
efficency
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efficiency
 of digital tools able to monitor what
people
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 say and do.
In addition
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, the main problem of
this
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 development is that
,
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apply
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 most of the time, monitoring is conducted without
people
Use synonyms
's knowledge.
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Consequently
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Consequently,
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 the privacy of the individuals is violated.
For
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this
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 reason, I firmly
belive
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believe
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 that the use of
instument
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instrument
instruments
such
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 as cellphone tracking and security cameras
bring
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brings
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 more drawbacks than advantages. First of all, nowadays more and more
people
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 are thinking that, with the increasing number of crimes, the usage of hidden devices might be useful to identify the offenders and solve crime cases faster. Even if
this
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 idea is done with the right purpose, they do not consider what might happen if
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this devices
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this device
these devices
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 ended up
into
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in
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 the wrong hands.
For instance
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, someone could use
a
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apply
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cellphone tracking to monitor the movements of their victims.
Moreover
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, the violation of personal privacy in a domestic context is another reason why
this
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 instrument must be sold only to the public authorities and not be available for purchase by anyone.
Althought
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Although
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this
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these
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 instruments are not created with a negative intention,
the
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their
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utilize
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utilisation
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 for keeping
undercontroll
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under control
 the movements of our household
member
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members
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 with security cameras,
for example
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, is becoming increasingly common.
To conclude
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, owing to the fact that many
people
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 have bad intentions when using
this
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 type of technology tools, the disadvantages are far more severe
that
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than
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 the advantages. In my perspective, the sale of these devices must be exclusive to the
governament
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government
 and public authorities only.

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coherence and cohesion
Try to ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea and that those ideas are well developed with examples and explanations.
task achievement
Consider providing a more balanced view by acknowledging some of the advantages of technology monitoring before stating your opinion on the disadvantages.
coherence and cohesion
Pay attention to spelling and grammatical accuracy to improve clarity of your arguments (e.g., 'believe', 'instruments', 'the control').
task achievement
You provided a clear thesis statement in your introduction, which outlines your position on the topic.
task achievement
Your use of examples illustrated your points effectively, such as the mention of cellphone tracking being misused.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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