IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Many manufactured food and drink contains high level of sugar, which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Many
health
Use synonyms
 concerns are caused by sugary
products
Use synonyms
. So many
people
Use synonyms
 think that their
price
Use synonyms
 should be higher in order to reduce the consumption level of
sugar
Use synonyms
. I totally disagree with
this
Linking Words
 statement because there are many other ways to encourage
people
Use synonyms
 to have healthier
habits
Use synonyms
 including raising awareness and making healthy
food
Use synonyms
 affordable.
Firstly
Linking Words
,
while
Linking Words
 an increase in the
price
Use synonyms
 of sugary
products
Use synonyms
 may help reduce their consumption, knowledge and
health
Use synonyms
conciousness
Correct your spelling
consciousness
 are far more important. Better
health
Use synonyms
 is not only influenced by lower
sugar
Use synonyms
level
Fix the agreement mistake
levels
show examples
, but it requires awareness and practical advice. If
people
Use synonyms
 avoid
food
Use synonyms
 and drink which contains a lot of
sugar
Use synonyms
 but they alter to salty or oily choices, they will still have
health
Use synonyms
 issues.
Therefore
Linking Words
, individuals should be educated about
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
healthier
habits
Use synonyms
 including, diet, sleep, and workout.
Moreover
Linking Words
, they should access knowledge about healthier lifestyles
such
Linking Words
 as recommended daily
calories
Change the noun form
calorie
show examples
 intake, daily sleep hours, and good
nutritions
Fix the agreement mistake
nutrition
show examples
. By being aware of all factors contributing to
health
Use synonyms
,
people
Use synonyms
 will find balanced behaviours that fit with their lives. Another way to help
people
Use synonyms
 become healthier is to reduce the
price
Use synonyms
 of healthy meals.
Although
Linking Words
 sugary
products
Use synonyms
 become more expensive,
people
Use synonyms
 may not change to buy
sugar
Use synonyms
-free choices unless they can afford healthier options. Individuals currently prefer cheaper alternatives as they have to cover other necessary expenses, making the
price
Use synonyms
 of healthier
food
Use synonyms
 and drink more crucial.
For example
Linking Words
, most workers still love eating instant noodles because of their
price
Use synonyms
. To change their
habits
Use synonyms
, the
price
Use synonyms
 of healthier dishes must be much lower so they can afford them. In conclusion, it is undeniable that
food
Use synonyms
 and drink with a high level of
sugar
Use synonyms
 is one of the root causes leading to
health
Use synonyms
 issues.
However
Linking Words
, I firmly disagree
to increase
Change preposition
with increasing
show examples
 the
price
Use synonyms
 of sugary
products
Use synonyms
 as a solution because
this
Linking Words
 might not help
people
Use synonyms
 become healthier. Raising awareness and providing practical recommendations
together with
Linking Words
 making healthier
food
Use synonyms
 cheaper
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 more effective
to change
Change preposition
in changing
show examples
 individuals'
habits
Use synonyms
.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Consider providing more specific examples or statistics to strengthen your arguments about health awareness and the affordability of healthy food.
coherence
Try to ensure that each paragraph clearly links back to your main argument. For instance, explicitly connect your ideas about health education and food pricing to the overall topic of sugar consumption.
coherence
Vary your sentence structure and use more complex sentences to enhance the flow of your writing and make your points more engaging.
task achievement
Your introduction clearly states your position and outlines your main reasons for disagreement, which sets a strong foundation for your essay.
coherence
You have organized your essay well, with clear paragraphs that each focus on a specific idea related to your argument.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • manufactured foods
  • health implications
  • obesity
  • diabetes
  • dental issues
  • excessive consumption
  • tobacco taxation
  • fiscal measures
  • health policy
  • healthcare costs
  • income inequality
  • nutritional education
  • legislation
  • black market
  • subsidizing
  • affordable
  • diet
  • punitive measures
What to do next:
Look at other essays: