IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

An increasing number of children have become hooked on fast food and aerated drinks that donot provide much nutritions . This poor diet has led to a rise in obesity among children . What are the problems that are associated with obesity in children and what steps could be taken to prevent?

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It is true that more and more
children
Use synonyms
 tend to choose fast
food
Use synonyms
 for a meal nowadays.
Although
Linking Words
 there will undoubtedly be some negative consequences of
this
Linking Words
 trend, society can take steps to mitigate these potential problems. An array of causes may lead to why
children
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 get fatter
with
Change preposition
by
show examples
 eating fast
food
Use synonyms
 and soft
drink
Fix the agreement mistake
drinks
show examples
.
To begin
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 with, buying
junk
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food
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 is a convenient way for
parents
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 to prepare a meal for their kids, they do not need to purchase a lot of ingredients and spend much time
to cook
Change the verb form
cooking
show examples
.
For instance
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, my
parents
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 almost bought fast
food
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 or took
out
Correct pronoun usage
it out
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 from restaurants as our meals since they were really hard working.
Moreover
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, fast
food
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 and aerated drinks are usually made with an amount of
suger
Correct your spelling
sugar
 and oil, which means that things are too delicious to refuse, even
Correct word choice
if these
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these
Correct pronoun usage
they
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 do not have sufficient
nutritions
Fix the agreement mistake
nutrition
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.
That is
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, having oily foods and sweaty drinks makes people feel unwind and relieve their stress, but they often ignore the damage from unhealthy
impact
Change the noun form
impacts
show examples
such
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 as heart disease and the problem of blood circulation. Several
solusions
Correct your spelling
solutions
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
 the phenomenon that the rising number of kids tend to eat
junk
Use synonyms
food
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 can be taken to solve
this
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 issue. First of all, authorities should aware citizens
about
Change preposition
of
show examples
 the negative effects of eating fast
food
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, and encourage
parents
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 to choose frozen vegetables and meets
for
Change preposition
as
show examples
a
Change the article
an
show examples
 efficient method rather than buying
junk
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foods
Fix the agreement mistake
food
show examples
. If people realize their
body
Fix the agreement mistake
bodies
show examples
 do not need much oil and chemicals, they would not let themselves and their
children
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to eating
Wrong verb form
eat
show examples
 fast
food
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 that
frequency
Replace the word
frequently
show examples
.
Secondly
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,
junk
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food
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 is not the best thing for kids as
Correct article usage
a rewards
show examples
rewards
Fix the agreement mistake
reward
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.
Children
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's
brain
Fix the agreement mistake
brains
show examples
 have not
mature
Wrong verb form
matured
show examples
 yet so they should be restricted;
therefore
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,
parents
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 can give them a chance to travel or a gift they really into except fast
food
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 and soft
drink
Fix the agreement mistake
drinks
show examples
. In conclusion, based on the aforementioned, a series of factors may result in
children
Use synonyms
 getting fatter
due to
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 fast
food
Use synonyms
 and aerated
drink
Fix the agreement mistake
drinks
show examples
, and the solutions can be adopted to deal with
this
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 problem.

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task achievement
While your essay presents a clear argument and identifies problems and solutions, try to develop your ideas further. Each main point could be supported with more specific examples or details to strengthen your argument.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure that your transitions between ideas and paragraphs are smooth. Linking phrases or words can help the reader follow your argument more easily and see the connection between your points.
coherence and cohesion
Consider rephrasing sentences for clarity. For example, 'junky foods are convenient' could be elaborated upon, explaining how they fit into busy lifestyles and the impact this has on healthy eating habits.
task achievement
You introduced the topic clearly and presented the issues at hand effectively, making your overall argument accessible to the reader.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay is structured with distinct paragraphs for each main point, which helps convey your message clearly.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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