IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

An increasing number of children have become hooked on fast food and aerated drinks that donot provide much nutritions . This poor diet has led to a rise in obesity among children . What are the problems that are associated with obesity in children and what steps could be taken to prevent?

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Children nowadays are very much involved in eating junk
food
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 and
thus
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 increased usage of soft
drinks
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 is causing severe health problems in youngsters.
Obesity
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 is increasing day by day.
This
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 essay will shed light on the problems caused by eating fast
food
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 and
steps
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the steps
show examples
 that can help deteriorate
obesity
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. It must be kept in mind that most-hyped fast foods are not very much rich in nutrients. Because heavy
amount
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amounts
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 of oils and spices are used in the production of these foods.
Due to
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high
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the high
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 concentration
ofcarbon
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of carbon
 in
the
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apply
show examples
soft
drinks
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 , they are good in taste but not a good option for reducing the dehydration of the body. When
body
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the body
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 lacks
required
Correct article usage
the required
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 nutrients, it gives a boom to
obesity
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 problems. but
obesity
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 is not only confined to some particular factors but it is
also
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 becoming the cause of high blood pressure,
cholestrol
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cholesterol
,
low
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and low
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 physical activity rate.
According to
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 an international survey, it is observed that 60% of the adults in
USA
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the USA
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 consume more frizzy
drinks
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 as compared to water.
Moreover
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, children and
specially
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especially
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 adults are so obsessed with the tastes created by business
food
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 chains that they
donot
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do not
 prefer to eat hygienic
food
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 at home. They want variety and
mouth watering
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mouth-watering
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taste
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tastes
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 like restaurants all the time. Contentment is
also
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 another issue that cannot be overlooked.
On the contrary
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, there are certain precautions that can be adopted to change the eating habits of juveniles. First of all, parents should restrict the pocket money of their kids so that they cannot afford
eating
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to eat
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 outside
everyday
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every day
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.
In addition
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 to
this
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, the Government should
also
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 impose more taxes on
such
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 items to minimize
its
Correct pronoun usage
their
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 use among the common people.
On the other hand
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, folks must be given awareness about the adverse
affects
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effects
show examples
 of soda
drinks
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 and fast foods.

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task achievement
Expand on the problems associated with obesity with more specific examples and statistics to enhance your argument.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure smoother transitions between sections of your essay to improve the overall coherence.
coherence and cohesion
Clarify your conclusion by summarizing the main points covered in the essay more effectively.
organization
Good use of topic sentences to introduce main ideas in each paragraph.
task achievement
Clear identification of the issues surrounding fast food consumption among children.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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