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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people argue that the rapid development of technology is making people's lives more stressful, while others believe it enhances productivity and efficiency. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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in the modern world, we can not imagine our
lives
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 without
technology
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. some
people
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 hold the opinion that
technology
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 makes our
lives
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streesful
Correct your spelling
stressful
whereas
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 others believe it improves our productivity and
proficiently
Replace the word
proficiency
show examples
.
in
Capitalize word
In
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 the following paragraph,
i
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I
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 shall discuss both perspectives.
i
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I
show examples
,
however
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, side with the letter view.
technology
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 plays a vital role in our
lives
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.
to begin
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 with, it makes our
life
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 easier and
comfortable
Correct quantifier usage
more comfortable
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 .
people
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 are using technological gadgets
such
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 as mobile
phone
Fix the agreement mistake
phones
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,
computer
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computers
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 and
laptop
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laptops
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 in every
aspects
Change to a singular noun
aspect
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 of their
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life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
 to learn various skills which
helps
Correct subject-verb agreement
help
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 them
for
Change preposition
in
show examples
 their
self- development
Correct your spelling
self-development
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.
therefore
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,
technology
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 can enhance their knowledge .
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in
Capitalize word
In
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 addition, it increases
ones
Change to a genitive case
one's
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 time management
skill
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skills
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. it helps
people
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 to complete their work within a limited time.
finally
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, modern
technology
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 provides lots of resources to make our
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life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
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 easier .
for example
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, with the help of technological
Correct your spelling
resources
resouces
Add a comma
resouces,
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 one can finish their task properly which makes them better in
this
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 competitive era.
however
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,
people
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 who argue that
technology
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 gives
people
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 stress have their reasons as well. they believe ,
because
Correct word choice
that because
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 of telecommunication, false news may occur which leads to conflict in society. we can see many false news
in
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on
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internet
Add an article
the internet
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 today and some
people
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 are not
matured
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mature
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 enough to know what is real and fake .
hence
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, they do believe that false news which makes their
life
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 stressful.
furthermore
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, using too
much
Correct quantifier usage
many
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 mobile phones and computers can lead to various health
problem
Change the noun form
problems
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such
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 as eye strain, poor posture, and reduced physical activity .
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for
Capitalize word
For
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 instance, in the year of 2009 , a child in Japan got addicted
with
Change the preposition
to
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 computer games and he was using
computer
Correct article usage
a computer
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almost
Change preposition
for almost
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 20 hours in a day which was later resulting in massive mental diseases of his
lives
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.
moreover
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, misuse or overuse of technological gadgets leads to depression and anxiety. in my opinion, though it has some negative impact on our
life
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, the advantages of
technology
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 are much more as it makes us productive and efficient .
to sum up
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, it can be said that, modern
technology
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 provides us too many benefits .
nevertheless
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, we need to use it in a good way so that it
would
Verb problem
does
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 not make our
life
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 stressful and boring .

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task achievement
Try to include a clearer thesis statement in the introduction that outlines your stance and the points you will discuss. This will enhance clarity.
coherence and cohesion
Pay attention to paragraphing by ensuring each paragraph has a clear main idea and supports it with adequate examples. This will help improve coherence.
task achievement
Consider providing more detailed examples to illustrate your points in both perspectives, which will strengthen your arguments.
coherence and cohesion
Be mindful of spelling and grammar errors to improve overall clarity and presentation.
task achievement
You provided a balanced discussion of both views before stating your opinion, which is a good approach to the essay prompt.
coherence and cohesion
Your conclusion summarizes the essay’s main points effectively, reinforcing your position on technology.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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