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Band 5

Today our communications,medicine and transport systems all depend on computer technology. Our reliance on computer technology in these fields has created a dangerous situation. To what extent do you agree or disagree wiht this statement?

#communications #medicine #transport #systems #depend #computer #technology #reliance #fields #situation #wiht
In modern years,technologies play
crucial
Add an article
a crucial
show examples
 role in our daily routine.
As a result
 of
this
 phenomenon, communication, Pharmacy and travelling can not work without ICT. Some
people
 argue that it leads to dangerous consequences and I partially agree with them. In
this
essay
Add a comma
essay,
show examples
 I will prove my side.
Firstly
, we have seen a difference in the way we communicate since computer technology was innovated when compared to before its existence. The ease of communication we enjoy today can be linked to the advancement of computer technology.
For example
, it is easier to keep in touch with family when living abroad. We are able to make video calls which significantly helps
people
 cope with loneliness when away from friends and family.
Also
, meeting new
people
 of similar
interest
Fix the agreement mistake
interests
show examples
 is easier thanks to technology,
although
this
 increases exposure to meeting dangerous
people
.
On the contrary
, few
people
 would argue that
this
 reliance would lead to a destructive path. There are some disadvantages
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
 it, as it may reduce
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
manpower and
subsequently
resulting
Wrong verb form
result
show examples
 in unemployment.
In addition
,
as a result
 of technical errors,
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
may even cause fatal issues in hospitals. But I believe, these all might occur
due to
 negligence and without
this
development
Add a comma
development,
show examples
 it is hard to sustain in
this
 modern era.
To conclude
, everything is becoming computerized, and it has its own merits and demerits. In my opinion, if humans act
accordingly
 and deal with
this
 in a cautious manner, it will help to attain
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
tremendous growth in all fields. Rather than complaining about the few drawbacks, one can utilise and enjoy the immense benefits provided by
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
computers.
Submitted by makemoneyizzy16 on

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task response
You have presented a clear introduction and conclusion, which is great for setting up the essay structure. However, try to strengthen your arguments by providing more specific examples and details to support your points.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a logical progression of ideas, but it could benefit from more explicit transitions between sentences and paragraphs to enhance coherence. This will make the essay flow more naturally and help the reader follow your arguments more easily.
structure
The introduction and conclusion are clearly present, setting up and wrapping up the discussion effectively.
task response
An attempt to present both sides of the argument is evident, indicating a balanced perspective.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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