IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

‌2. As a result of electronic inventions such as computer and tv , people do less physical activity,and this is having a negative effect on their health. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
With the innovation of technological gadgets
such
Linking Words
 as desktops and
televisons
Correct your spelling
televisions
television
,
encagement
Correct your spelling
engagement
 in outdoor activities is becoming rare which in turn can cause weak fitness among individuals. I completely agree with
this
Linking Words
 statement, since
people
Use synonyms
spent
Wrong verb form
spend
show examples
 more
time
Use synonyms
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 social media and
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
video gaming for hours and often ignore the importance of muscle strengthening and athletics. It is often argued that new
development
Fix the agreement mistake
developments
show examples
 in mechanical appliances
such
Linking Words
 as
smart phones
Correct your spelling
smartphones
show examples
 and tablets
had
Wrong verb form
have
show examples
 caused numerous wellness challenges to humans. These devices have the ability to hold
people
Use synonyms
 for hours on screens which reciprocally causes several body image issues.
Moreover
Linking Words
, investing more
time
Use synonyms
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
such
Linking Words
 projectors can cause eye diseases and laziness to them.
For example
Linking Words
, nowadays, children are frequently
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
risk of
loosing
Replace the word
losing
show examples
 their
eye sight
Correct your spelling
eyesight
show examples
 at
young
Add an article
a young
show examples
 age
due to
Linking Words
 their addiction to laptop games and series where they end up using spectacles for
better
Correct article usage
a better
show examples
 view. To add on, mobile phones, I-pad and gaming devices have made humans
to
Change the verb form
apply
show examples
enjoy their
lesiure
Correct your spelling
leisure
time
Use synonyms
indoor
Correct your spelling
indoors
show examples
than
Rephrase
rather than
show examples
outdoor
Replace the word
outdoors
show examples
.
However
Linking Words
, wasting hours
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
scrolling
internet
Correct article usage
the internet
show examples
 can cause body posture
issue
Fix the agreement mistake
issues
show examples
 and back pain in the
longer
Correct word choice
long
show examples
 run.
Furthermore
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 generally
forgets
Correct subject-verb agreement
forget
show examples
 about workouts and hitting the gym and are frequently reported with obesity and high blood sugar
level
Fix the agreement mistake
levels
show examples
due to
Linking Words
 lack of
excercise
Correct your spelling
exercise
 because they invest their
time
Use synonyms
 in E-media
than
Rephrase
rather than
show examples
 on health.
For example
Linking Words
,
comapred
Correct your spelling
compared
 with the older generation the present one
suffer
Correct subject-verb agreement
suffers
show examples
 more physical issues
such
Linking Words
 as muscle pain, and low immunity
due to
Linking Words
 our negligence in outdoor fun but the senior generation
had
Wrong verb form
has
show examples
pay
Wrong verb form
paid
show examples
out
Change preposition
apply
show examples
their
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
time
Use synonyms
 more in
fields
Correct article usage
the fields
show examples
 and sunlight
hence
Linking Words
 they
got
Verb problem
have
show examples
 a better body.
To conclude
Linking Words
, it is true that hardware contrivances like PCs and personal phones have made
people
Use synonyms
 less interactive
outdoor
Replace the word
outdoors
show examples
 and
having
Wrong verb form
have
show examples
 major
illness
Fix the agreement mistake
illnesses
show examples
. I completely agree
on
Change preposition
with
show examples
 it, since it
had
Wrong verb form
has
show examples
 made them
more sick
Replace the words
sicker
show examples
 with eye and muscle issues and are bulk
due to
Linking Words
 lack of

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence and cohesion
Consider restructuring your paragraphs for better clarity. Each paragraph should ideally focus on one main idea.
task achievement
Make sure to use a wider range of vocabulary to express ideas more precisely and avoid repetition.
coherence and cohesion
Check for grammatical errors and spelling mistakes, as they can affect the overall clarity of your writing.
task achievement
You have expressed a clear opinion that aligns with the prompt, which is essential for task achievement.
task achievement
You provided relevant examples to support your ideas, which adds depth to your argument.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: