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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The table below shows information about the population of New Zealand from 2011 to 2012 by age group.

The table below shows information about the population of New Zealand from 2011 to 2012 by age group.
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The table displays the percentages of changes and the total number of
population
Use synonyms
 of four different age groups within two different
period
Change to a plural noun
periods
show examples
 of time in 2011 and 2012, in New Zealand. Looking from an
overall
Linking Words
perespective
Correct your spelling
perspective
, it is readily apparent that the smallest
group
Use synonyms
 in New
Zealand
Change noun form
Zealand's
show examples
population
Use synonyms
 was above 65
years
Use synonyms
 old ,
while
Linking Words
 the largest
group
Use synonyms
 was from age 15-39
years
Use synonyms
 old. It shows
upward
Add an article
an upward
show examples
 trend among the people aged 65 and above ,
Linking Words
also
Correct word choice
and also
show examples
 the age
group
Use synonyms
 from 40-64 in the
giving
Replace the word
given
show examples
 periods. 4%
increased
Wrong verb form
increase
show examples
 in 2012 for the 65 and above
group
Use synonyms
 which was 573.946 in 2011 to become 596.903. For the
group
Use synonyms
 aged 40-
64
Add a comma
64,
show examples
 the rise in 2012 was 0.6% to reach 1.339.898 . In general , all ages increased in number
by0.6
Correct your spelling
by 0.6
% in 2012 to become 4.410.284 with almost more than 100 thousand increasing. It shows
downward
Add an article
a downward
show examples
 trend among the under 15
years
Use synonyms
 old and the 16-39
years
Use synonyms
 old
population
Use synonyms
 in New Zealand. They declined by the same percentage which was 0.2% in 2012.under 15
years
Use synonyms
 old in 2011 was 898.160 to become in
2012
Change the article
the 2012
show examples
 year 896.364
population
Use synonyms
.
While
Linking Words
 the 16-39
years
Use synonyms
 old was 1.577.256 in 2011 to decrease by almost more than 3 thousand in 2012.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words population, group, years with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "shows" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentages" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "trend" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increased" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "almost" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
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