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Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people think that the increase in the number of obese people should be the responsibility of the government, while others think it should be the responsibility of individuals.Discuss both sides and give your opinion.

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In our modern era, obesity has been globally emerging as a new epidemic
due to
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 the
the
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apply
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consumption of excessive junk
foods
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. Most
peoples
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people
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 opine that with the rise in the obese population, the the government should bear their responsibility, whilst the rest of the folks feel that each individual should be accounted responsible. In
this
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 essay, I will discuss each perspective and give my opinion. On the one hand, the Government is the governing and responsible body for each country’s citizens, which implies that they should be accountable for the
health
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 of the public. Those organizations should strictly perform proper quality surveillance and reassurance so that food additives, additional sugar contents, saturated and unsaturated fats, and most importantly, calorie count could be monitored before supplying it to the public so that good and healthy dietary valued
foods
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 could be served to the public.
Moreover
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, there should
also
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 be a standard rule for all the food-producing companies regarding the products they use and the food adulteration process in order to provide the best quality products, which will
further
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 ensure that all folks are being provided with healthy
foods
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 to prevent unhealthy fat buildup in the body.
On the other hand
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, the public should
also
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 be equally concerned about their
health
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. They should have a strict
eyeon
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eye on
 the nutritional values of the
foods
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 they consume on a daily basis so their
health
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 and weight can be monitored on an individualized
health
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 pattern.
Furthermore
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, obesity can widely be prevented with regular exercises like yoga, cardio, aerobics and Zumba, meaning that one should be daily involved in
such
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 fitness activities in order to keep oneself healthy.
Additionally
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, nowadays there are ample dieticians and nutritionists all over the world.
That is
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 to say, local people should visit them, monitor their Body Mass Index (BMI) and plan
foods
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accordingly
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 to meet their individual needs. In conclusion, the government should take some responsibility for providing quality food by analyzing the additives used in those edible products but I believe individuals should work more to promote good
health
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 and weight. They should perform regular exercise and consult with experts to prevent weight-related issues.

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task achievement
Your essay presents both sides of the argument clearly, but the arguments could be more balanced. Consider providing more examples or elaboration on the individual responsibilities to strengthen that side of the discussion.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure to proofread for small grammatical errors (e.g., 'the the', 'eyeon') and improve sentence fluency. This will enhance the overall clarity and flow of your essay.
task achievement
Your main points are generally well-supported, but adding specific examples of government policies or individual actions could elevate your argument and demonstrate a deeper understanding of the topic.
task achievement
You have successfully introduced the topic and presented both sides of the argument, which shows a good understanding of the prompt.
coherence and cohesion
Your conclusion effectively summarizes your viewpoint, making it clear how you feel about the responsibilities of the government and individuals regarding obesity.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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