IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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It seems to be increasingly clear that a lot of
children
Use synonyms
use
Use synonyms
 their smartphones too much every day.
This
Linking Words
 phenomenon has aroused grave concern among teenagers, teachers and parents since it has brought a considerable number of problems. The following paragraphs outline the underlying causes and the negative consequences
to
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of
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this
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worried
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worrying
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 trend. Diverse contributing factors are identified. One of the major reasons is that technology is convenient for people to communicate with friends.
For example
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, we
use
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 communication or social applications,
such
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 as
Whatsapp
Correct your spelling
WhatsApp
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, Telegram and Facebook chat box, to keep in contact and organize dating with peers directly,
instead
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 of making decisions in the real world or calling on the phone.
In addition
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 to
this
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, the entertainment offered by these apps has contributed greatly to the upward of using
Use synonyms
smartphone
Fix the agreement mistake
smartphones
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 in the number of youngsters. Specifically speaking, those apps provide different
entertainments
Fix the agreement mistake
entertainment
show examples
 for
children
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 to spend their
time
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. Even though they can watch movies in the cinema or play card games
on
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at
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 the table,
the
Correct article usage
apply
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technology is
put
Verb problem
apply
show examples
the top priority
by
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apply
show examples
them
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
since those activities are in the digital world by a
smartphone
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. The effects of
this
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 are well known. There is a tendency to believe that adolescents have concentrated on electronic devices for a long
time
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 which harms their physical health. A report in the Health Department revealed that over 60% of
children
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 had
eyes issue
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eye issues
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 compared with
that
Correct determiner usage
those
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 in the past 20 years since they
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use
Wrong verb form
used
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 electronic things,
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smartphone
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smartphones
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 or
tablet
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tablets
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, for studying and entertaining
in
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apply
show examples
10 hours every day.
This
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also
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 leads them to spend less
time
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 on academic learning. All evidence supports that students
use
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 non-studying applications during the lessons and play games anywhere and anytime.
That
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is
Verb problem
has
show examples
 a harmful impact
for
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on
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 students’ development. Cruel though the fact is, we still have to admit it smartphones are used by many
children
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 since it is experiencing the significant that
technologies
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technology
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 industry is
a
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apply
show examples
steadily growth. In conclusion, the reasons why people spend more
time
Use synonyms
 on their
Use synonyms
smartphone
Fix the agreement mistake
smartphones
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, but convenience and district apps play an important role. It may indeed
negative
Change the adjective
negatively
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 affect physical development and academic performance. Only with a concerted effort by
both
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
students, teachers and parents can
this
Linking Words
 situation be truly resolved.

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task achievement
The introduction provides a clear thesis but could be more specific about the reasons and effects you will discuss.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure each paragraph clearly relates to the main topic and that the transition between ideas is smooth for better flow.
task achievement
Expand on the examples you provide; more specific examples and their implications would enhance your arguments.
coherence and cohesion
In the conclusion, reinforce the main points more clearly and avoid introducing new information.
task achievement
You have identified relevant issues concerning smartphone use among children and highlighted both causes and effects clearly.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a logical sequence of ideas, making it easy to follow the argument.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
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