IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

new houshold appliance have resulted in more free time for women and has enabled them to both work run a home with dependent children .What are the advantage for family when the mothers work?Do you think the disadvantages outweigh the advantages?

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Due to
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 the advancements in technology household
work
Use synonyms
 is being done by machines.
This
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 new trend has enabled more free
time
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 for homemaker mothers ,
this
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 results in allowing them to do jobs and take care of
children
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 at the same
time
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.
Although
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this
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phenomena
Change the determiner
phenomenon
show examples
 has shared equal financial responsibilities among
parents
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 , it has
also
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 minimised
time
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 that can be spent with
children
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. no doubt, in
this
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 sophisticated world it becomes necessary for both
parents
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 to
work
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 in order to survive financially .With the help of developed machinery, it is now possible for women to help
her
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 partner
saving
Wrong verb form
save
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 money by working , which they can lately spend on the betterment of their
children
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's
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
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.
Additionally
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 , it is beneficial for single mothers too.
For instance
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 , in previous times single mothers were not able to manage their
time
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due to
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 heavy household
work
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, but with the aid of new appliances
such
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 as vacuums, dishwashers and laundry machinery they are saving plenty of hours which can
utilize
Wrong verb form
be utilised
show examples
 as working
part-timetime
Correct your spelling
part-time
.
On the other hand
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, despite these benefits, it has
also
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 presented some challenges.The first one is lack of
time
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 with their
children
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 .More and more women these days working
while
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 enrolling their
children
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 at the daycare schools .
This
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 results in, spending most of their
time
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 away from them which makes them bond weaker emotionally with their
parents
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.Another disadvantage of working outside is that, at an early age of life
children
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 are often sensitive to their memory, if a child spends excessive
time
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 at school it will make them self-isolated which can lead to depressed behaviour as most teachers may not be cared
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similarly
Change preposition
for similarly
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 to their
parents
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. In conclusion,
while
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 working women help
overall
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 financially which can be beneficial for
children
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 as they will have a good future, it should not come at the expense of
children
Use synonyms
's mental behaviour.I believe limiting hours of
work
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 and spending
time
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 with
children
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 is a prudent approach as it will help with money and better upbringing of
children
Use synonyms
 too.

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coherence and cohesion
Strengthen the logical flow of ideas; try to use clearer topic sentences for each paragraph to guide the reader.
task achievement
Make sure to provide more detailed examples to support your arguments, especially when discussing the emotional impact on children.
language
Ensure that grammatical accuracy is heightened; small errors can distract from the overall quality of the essay.
task achievement
You have identified both advantages and disadvantages effectively, presenting a balanced view on the topic.
task achievement
Your essay presents some relevant points that reflect current societal shifts, such as the necessity of working mothers in modern life.
task achievement
There is a clear attempt to address the prompt's specific questions, showing an understanding of the task requirements.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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