IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people believe that it is the responsibility of individuals to take care of their own health. Others believe that the Government should make sure that their citizens are healthy. Discuss both views.

Taking
care
Use synonyms
 of
health
Use synonyms
 is
utmost
Add an article
an utmost
the utmost
show examples
 factor of every individual. A host of progressives deem that multitudes are responsible for their own
health
Use synonyms
care
Use synonyms
whereas
Linking Words
, others reckon that the higher authority should take
care
Use synonyms
 of their
people
Change noun form
people's
show examples
health
Use synonyms
 by taking accurate actions. In
this
Linking Words
 essay, I will explore both
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
notions
along with
Linking Words
 some relevant examples in the following paragraphs. Considering the human
responsiblities
Correct your spelling
responsibilities
, there are multifarious ways in which a person can take
care
Use synonyms
 of themselves in a better way. First and foremost, by taking
Correct article usage
a healthly
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healthly
Correct your spelling
healthy
 diet. When people
take
Verb problem
eat
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 three meals
in
Change preposition
apply
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a day, they feel more energetic and do not feel
tried
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tired
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 even after working for
a
Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
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long hours.
For instance
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, as doctors say "an apple a day
keep
Correct subject-verb agreement
keeps
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 the doctor away". It means healthy eating
help
Correct subject-verb agreement
helps
show examples
alot
Correct your spelling
a lot
 in improving citizen
health
Use synonyms
.
Secondly
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, regular exercise not only increases the stamina but
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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also
Linking Words
 improves the bone strength of
human
Fix the agreement mistake
humans
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.
Therfore
Correct your spelling
Therefore
, It is in the hands of forks that how they can
inhance
Correct your spelling
enhance
 their
health
Use synonyms
.
On the other hand
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, some
calim
Correct your spelling
claim
 that the government should make sure about the
health
Use synonyms
 of their individuals.
Firstly
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, organise
campaign
Add an article
a campaign
the campaign
show examples
 for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
awarness
Correct your spelling
awareness
on
Change preposition
of
show examples
good
Correct article usage
a good
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 lifestyle. If the
authority
Fix the agreement mistake
authorities
show examples
 organise distinct events to aware the multitudes, they can learn what is superior and what is bad for their daily diet and they
also
Linking Words
 teach their children about the consequences of fast food.
The another
Remove the article
Another
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 way is by providing
finanical
Correct your spelling
financial
 support to retired ones. The government should give subsidies to old ages, so that they can get their bread and butter with their own money
instead
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,
depending
Change preposition
of depending
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 on their family members.
Hence
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, the government should take steps to make
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society
heathier
Correct your spelling
healthier
show examples
. In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
 citizens can take of themselves
who
Correct word choice
when
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 are young and have some job to earn and eat good food, there are lots of individuals who are unemployed and have no source from where they take a meal. Both the views have their own
prespectives
Correct your spelling
perspectives
perspective
 but both are correct in their own way.

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Structure
Consider refining your thesis statement to clearly indicate the specific viewpoints you will discuss. A stronger thesis can enhance clarity.
Language
Make sure to check for spelling errors and typos, as they can impact the readability of your essay. For example, 'healthly' should be 'healthy' and 'calim' should be 'claim'.
Content
Expand on your examples to provide more context and detail, which can enhance the depth of your argument. For instance, provide more information about the benefits of a healthy diet beyond just energy levels.
Content
You have a clear discussion of both perspectives on health responsibility, which shows understanding of the task.
Content
Your use of examples, such as the proverb 'an apple a day keeps the doctor away,' adds a relatable touch to your argument, making it more engaging.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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