IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people say that older people should live with their adult children, while others think they should live in homes specially built for old people. Which do you think is a better practice?

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It is argued by some
people
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 that
grey hair
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grey-haired
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people
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 should reside with their own children,
however
Linking Words
 others
belive
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believe
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 that they should live in nursing
homes
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. I agree with the first notion and discuss the relevant points in upcoming paragraphs. On the one hand, there are many reasons why old
people
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 should
be
Unnecessary verb
apply
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live with their
offsprings
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offspring
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. First of all, they feel so lucky if they live with their children because in
this
Linking Words
 modern era
young
Correct article usage
the young
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 generation do not want to live with their parents
due to
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 the thinking of being
burden
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a burden
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 on their shoulders, so if anybody
want
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wants
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 their parents
reside
Add the particle
to reside
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 with them
its
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it's
it is
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 feeling so proud for them. In
this
Linking Words
 way, they can enjoy
their
Change the word
the
show examples
 rest of
life
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 with their grandchild and forget the
struggle
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struggles
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 of their
life
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.
Morever
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Moreover
, living close to their loving family can have
Correct article usage
a postive
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postive
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positive
 effect on their mental
health
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.
In addition
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, they can help their children to give some suggestions from their
life
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 experience.
For example
Linking Words
, a survey conducted by
Correct article usage
the world
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world
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World Health Organization
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health
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 organization in 2020 revealed that
retirement
Add a hyphen
retirement-age
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age
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people
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 who
lived
Wrong verb form
live
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 with their
family
Fix the agreement mistake
families
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have
less
Change the quantifier
fewer
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health
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 problems. On the other side, old
age
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people
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 who live in nursing
homes
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has
Verb problem
are
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 more active because they have time for their own and they can do whatever they want. They do not have any restrictions
of
Change preposition
on
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 the family.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, If any person has any
health
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 issues, they do not need to stress to go anywhere because old home has professional
health
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service
Fix the agreement mistake
services
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 for them. They provide experienced doctors for regular
checkup
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checkups
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.
For instance
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, a headline from the famous newspaper The Turbine showed that 60% of old
age
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people
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 want to live in retirement
homes
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 because they are free from the family.
Hence
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, it would be
benefacial
Correct your spelling
beneficial
 for them to enjoy every stage of their
life
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 and can get free medical services. In conclusion,
although
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 old
age
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homes
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 provide
kind
Correct article usage
a kind
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 of
independency
Replace the word
independence
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 for them
but
Remove the conjunction
apply
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they want
support
Add an article
the support
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 of their family and with
Linking Words
this
Add a comma
this,
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 they get
physicaly
Correct your spelling
physically
 fit.

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Language/Grammar
Make sure to correct spelling errors such as 'belive', 'postive', 'benefacial', and 'physically'.
Coherence/Cohesion
Work on structuring your paragraphs better. Each paragraph should contain a clear topic sentence followed by supporting details and examples.
Task Achievement
Expand your arguments slightly with clearer connections to the main topic. For example, explain how living with family can directly contribute to their well-being.
Task Response
You presented both sides of the argument, which demonstrates a good understanding of the topic.
Coherence/Cohesion
Your essay follows a clear format with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • emotional support
  • familial bonding
  • isolated
  • heritage
  • traditions
  • personalized care
  • wheelchair accessibility
  • facilities
  • community of peers
  • social interactions
  • mental health
  • generation gaps
  • lifestyle
  • pressure of caregiving
  • feelings of abandonment
  • isolation
What to do next:
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