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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Many children today are overweight and unhealthy. This can cause problems. Give reasons for this and give solutions.

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Nowadays, The number of
children
Use synonyms
 who are suffering from overweight and serious health issues is witnessing a huge rise.
Due to
Linking Words
 plenty of reasons,
Such
Linking Words
 as genetics, neglecting parents and depending on junk food as a nutrition source. Never wondering what
does
Unnecessary verb
apply
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it really
contain
Correct subject-verb agreement
contains
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. When it comes to terms of health. The concept here has multi-dimensional aspects. The main reasons that usually
leads
Correct subject-verb agreement
lead
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 to obesity problems
with
Change preposition
in
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children
Use synonyms
 are numerous.
However
Linking Words
,
Most
Fix capitalization
most
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 significant
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
them
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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children
Use synonyms
 in recent years
are
Verb problem
have
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tending
Wrong verb form
tended
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 to
sit
Verb problem
spend
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 hours in front of their smart screens. Seeking that dopamine thrill. Which may unfortunately lead to an increase
of
Change preposition
in
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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body weight.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, Lack of movement. Studies have shown that a slice of pizza daily could magically enhance the possibility of a child having advanced cancer and extra weight.
Therefore
Linking Words
, Supporting the importance of healthy nutrition.
In addition
Linking Words
, Scientists believe that lack of exercise and movement can put them
on
Change preposition
at
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 high risk of gaining unwanted weight.
Thus
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, Other health obstacles. As problems were made, Solutions
are
Wrong verb form
were
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 found.
Firstly
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, Dietitians
encourages
Correct subject-verb agreement
encourage
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 individuals who are responsible
of
Change the preposition
for
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 minors to follow a special diet that helps not only manage a fine shape,
Linking Words
Correct word choice
but Moreover
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Moreover
Rephrase
Also
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,
Obtaining
Wrong verb form
Obtain
show examples
 most of the needed nutrients. By relying only on natural food.
Secondly
Linking Words
, One of the essentials to maintain a healthy child, Is feeding them right.
Finally
Linking Words
, The terrific effect of following a
physically-active
Correct your spelling
physically active
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 lifestyle. They tend to live longer than their peers.
Which
Correct pronoun usage
This
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 certainly urges families to not neglect the concept of having a hobby and embracing it. I am a firm believer that
children
Use synonyms
 of today are leaders of tomorrow.
That is
Linking Words
 why they should get the treatment they deserve, In order to provide us
the
Add the preposition
with the
show examples
 facilities that we need.

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task achievement
Improve the introduction by clearly stating the problems caused by overweight children and previewing the solutions you will discuss.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea and that ideas flow logically from one to the next, with appropriate linking phrases.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples to support your points, especially in discussions about the health risks and the impact of diet and exercise.
coherence cohesion
Rephrase some sentences for clarity and grammatical accuracy, as this will help improve coherence.
task achievement
You provide valid reasons for the increase in childhood obesity and mention solutions, showing a solid understanding of the topic.
task achievement
Your engagement with the topic and expressing belief in the importance of addressing childhood obesity is commendable.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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