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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The graph below gives information about the number of cases of diarrhea in Mashhad between 1983 and 1992. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The graph below gives information about the number of cases of diarrhea in Mashhad between 1983 and 1992. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
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The diagram illustrates how
much
Correct quantifier usage
many
show examples
casses
Correct your spelling
causes
cases
 of
Use synonyms
diarrhea
Change the spelling
diarrhoea
show examples
 in Mashhad from 1983 to 1992.
Overall
Linking Words
, the
amount
Change the quantifier
number
show examples
 of
Use synonyms
diarrhea
Change the spelling
diarrhoea
show examples
cases
Use synonyms
 in
Masshad
Use synonyms
remain
Correct subject-verb agreement
remains
show examples
 stable from 83
until
Change preposition
to
show examples
 85. After 85, the
cases
Use synonyms
 of
Use synonyms
diarrhea
Change the spelling
diarrhoea
show examples
 in
Masshad
Use synonyms
continue
Wrong verb form
continued
show examples
 to fluctuate and reached its peak in 1989 and
finally
Linking Words
 plummeted in 1992.
In
Change preposition
From
show examples
 the first
year
Use synonyms
 until
third
Change the article
the third
show examples
year
Use synonyms
, the
number
Use synonyms
 of
cases
Use synonyms
 of
Use synonyms
diarrhea
Change the spelling
diarrhoea
show examples
 in
Masshad
Use synonyms
 remained stable
of
Change preposition
at
show examples
 about 100
casses
Correct your spelling
cases
classes
 per
year
Use synonyms
. The
number
Use synonyms
 of
cases
Use synonyms
 rose slightly in 1986 with 150
cases
Use synonyms
 per
year
Use synonyms
 and
relatively
Add a missing verb
was relatively
show examples
 constant until 1987.
Then
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 figure experienced
sudden
Correct article usage
a sudden
show examples
 plunge of about 50 in 1988.
Following
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
, there was
sudden
Add an article
a sudden
the sudden
show examples
 surge in 1989 and the case reached
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
about 450
cases
Use synonyms
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
this
Linking Words
year
Use synonyms
. After which it
remain
Change the form of the verb
remained
show examples
 steady until 1991.
Finally
Linking Words
, in 1992 the figure shows
dramatically
Replace the word
a dramatic
show examples
 drop
for
Change preposition
in
show examples
Use synonyms
number
Change the article
a number
the number
show examples
 of
Use synonyms
diarrhea
Change the spelling
diarrhoea
show examples
cases
Use synonyms
 in Mashhad more than
halve
Correct your spelling
half
show examples
 the
number
Use synonyms
 of
cases
Use synonyms
 in 1991. In conclusion, the
number
Use synonyms
 of
Use synonyms
diarrhea
Change the spelling
diarrhoea
show examples
cases
Use synonyms
 in
Masshad
Use synonyms
 for 10 years (1983-1992) at first remained stable until
fluctuates
Wrong verb form
fluctuated
show examples
 and
plunge
Wrong verb form
plunged
show examples
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
 50
cases
Use synonyms
 in 1988. The
cases
Use synonyms
 reached
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 peak
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
 1989. Afterwards, In 1992,
Linking Words
finally
Add a comma
finally,
show examples
 it reached the lowest amount of
cases
Use synonyms
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
about 0
cases
Use synonyms
.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "finally".
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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: Replace the words diarrhea, cases, masshad, year, number with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "figure" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "figure" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "amount" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 5 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "plunge" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "reached" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "remain" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "stable" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "fluctuate" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 4 times.
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