IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

most teenagers advised by their families to work part-time jobs

There is no denying the fact that most
teenagers
Use synonyms
advised
Add a missing verb
are advised
show examples
 by their families to
work
Use synonyms
 part-
time
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 jobs.
While
Linking Words
 it is commonly held
believe
Verb problem
apply
show examples
that is
Linking Words
 a waste of
teenagers
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'
time
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due to
Linking Words
 the high
competitive
Replace the word
competition
show examples
 in school and university which can affect their performance, there is
also
Linking Words
 an argument
opposes
Wrong verb form
opposing
show examples
 that working at a young age may help to sharpen your skills.
This
Linking Words
 essay will analyse
this
Linking Words
 topic from both points of view and express my opinion. On the one hand, a part-timetime job has numerous benefits
such
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 as
time
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 management and how to deal with different individuals which may improve the critical thinking and awareness of the worker.
In other words
Linking Words
, young individuals during their
work
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facing
Wrong verb form
face
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a
Correct article usage
apply
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different mind of people and attitudes and with
time
Use synonyms
 they will become capable of understanding people.
for example
Linking Words
, in 1999, a research study was published related to comparing two groups of adult individuals, researchers found that groups who
job
Verb problem
worked
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part-timetime
Correct your spelling
part-time
during
Change preposition
while
show examples
teenagers
Use synonyms
have
Wrong verb form
had
show examples
 unique communication skills compared to others.
on the other hand
Linking Words
 , working a part-
time
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 job has many drawbacks related to dealing with rude customers and the bad behaviour of co-workers, it is
also
Linking Words
 possible to say that, the environment may affect
teenagers
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' mentality because the people who
work
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 with
him
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
 for a long
time
Use synonyms
.
For instance
Linking Words
, with all respect most of the workers who
work
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 in restaurants or coffee shops have a low level of education and unplanned future plans. In conclusion,
there
Correct pronoun usage
it
show examples
 is
no
Correct your spelling
not
show examples
 easy to answer
this
Linking Words
 question. On balance,
however
Linking Words
, I tend to believe that it is not a good idea to let our sons and daughters
work
Use synonyms
while
Linking Words
 they can invest their
time
Use synonyms
 to improve other skills to succeed in their academic careers.

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coherence and cohesion
Enhance the clarity of your ideas by revising sentences for better expression. For example, 'is a waste of teenagers' time' could be changed to 'may be seen as a waste of valuable time for teenagers'.
coherence and cohesion
Use connecting phrases to guide readers through your arguments smoothly, especially when transitioning between points.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples to support your claims. For instance, include details about how skills learned from part-time jobs can be beneficial in future careers.
task achievement
Clarify your position in the conclusion. State explicitly what your recommended approach is rather than suggesting both sides.
structure
The essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
argumentation
You included both perspectives on the topic, which is an important aspect of argumentative writing.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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